Since you have separated from your children’s father, your lifelong friends have changed. Less available, less present … They seem confused by your divorce, to the point of doing without your presence in dinners and cafes. A disturbing evolution of friendly ties, but we could not be more commonplace, according to Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist.
Divorce: a test for the couple … and friends
If any couple is enriched over time thanks to the formation of new links and common friends – during a separation, these bases – which was however thought to be solid like a rock – can sometimes collapse.
“The divorce does not only upset the couple: it transforms the whole network around. Some are moving away, others take sides, others still remain silent”, Confirms Amélie Boukhobza. “”Sometimes it hurts. We realize that certain links, which we believed solid, only dressed in the image of the couple, with shared habits or in several weekends “, she said.
It also happens that friends do not want to “take sides”, for fear of hurting one or the other. Result: frightened of potential conflicts – and unable to choose – they end up moving naturally.
Other friends still (or at least what left for them) start to criticize. Because the divorce is task, within a group of married friends. From a stable and attractive duo, we go to “group’s single girl“, more difficult to” fit “in the evening and on vacation. This simple difference can destabilize … and create distance.
In this difficult context, how to keep your friends with you? What to do, what to say to maintain these newly weakened links? Amélie Boukhobza drives us.
Go seek the links that we want to keep
Friendships evolve, but that does not mean that they disappear. “The challenge is to make them grow without losing them, which requires a little effort, sincerity, sometimes courage, and a little time”, recalls the specialist.
Then, do not expect everything from others. Many do not know how to react or position themselves because they were the friend of one, then both, or of the couple’s dynamics.
“When it is weakening, they find themselves lost. Some fear for example” to do badly “or to be trained in the conflict, others are simply uncomfortable with the very idea of a separation, because it refers to their own concerns. And it must be admitted: we would sometimes like them to take sides”, underlines the psychologist.
In this context, going to seek the links that we want to keep is sometimes necessary.
“Send a message, offer a coffee, name what you go through without transforming the situation into trials. The strongest friendships accept complexity and recognize that no one is completely unscathed from a divorce”, admits the practitioner.
And then, some friendships are born afterwards. Those that we build differently: more free, more sincere, sometimes deeper.
“Those who appear where we did not expect them. The divorce then becomes a moment of reorganization, where we choose to free ourselves from what no longer corresponds to us and to better understand what we expect from a link or a presence”, concludes Amélie Boukhobza.