Since their child was born, you no longer recognize your friends. Once party-loving and full of life, today they are focused on the emotions of their youngest. Result: between you, misunderstandings have accumulated, to the point of affecting your relationship. Can your friendship still hold or will these differences in upbringing and dynamics ultimately tear you apart? Pascal Anger, clinical psychologist, enlightens us on this subject.
Educational differences: a dynamic that is sometimes difficult to live with (and manage)
If each parent must respect the other’s way of doing things (putting their child to bed at regular times or not, allowing them to do acrobatics on the living room sofa, cutting people off, etc.) it sometimes happens that these differences are difficult to manage. Should you keep quiet, adapt to your friend’s rules or find an acceptable 50/50 so that everyone enjoys the party?
In reality, everything depends on the time spent with these loved ones, affirms Pascal Anger.
“If it’s an occasional reunion – a dinner for example every six months – everyone can do as they want. On the other hand, during a longer stay, such as a weekend or vacation, it can be useful to lay down a few rules. Each family has its own way of functioning, and these differences can sometimes create tension.” recognizes the expert.
Indeed, your tolerance threshold can quickly be reached when certain scenes are contrary to your way of acting and thinking. The right idea to avoid implosion? Take a moment between adults before said stay to chat.
“We must also keep in mind that certain ways of acting can offend without it being intentional. The idea is not to divide on this subject of education, but on the contrary to preserve the relationship,” recalls the expert.
When the chasm is too great: can the relationship still be saved?
Good news: despite the tensions, your relationship can still be saved.
“Everything remains recoverable as long as there is listening, understanding and communication. Without this, we are inevitably heading towards chaos. For example, if your friend’s child behaves very badly in a restaurant, it may be necessary to set a framework – but always kindly”, advises Pascal Anger.
The important thing is to know how to intervene without hurting, without giving others the feeling that we are criticizing their way of educating. The problem ? Since today many styles of education are intended to be “positive” (kindness, empathy, listening and support take precedence), any intervention can quickly become delicate… even almost political.
“In this context, it may be good to remind others: at home, we need to set limits, it is important. When we are together, it could therefore be wise to agree on rules that suit everyone,”
recommends the practitioner.
Humor can also help: keeping things light often helps to defuse tensions.
Do not be afraid of differences, but face them
Despite all these differences, we shouldn’t be afraid to be together. Direct sentences, such as “You have changed, I no longer recognize you“, Or “You no longer have the same ideas about education” can be said, but we must avoid making it a subject of conflict.
“Everyone should be able to raise their children as they wish,” reveals the expert.
The main thing is ultimately to be able to discuss and to limit the sources of tension as much as possible. In one, the rules are like this; in the other, differently. We must integrate these principles, accept and move forward. “We can express our feelings, but without criticizing or making fun, and while protecting the child if he is in difficulty,” recalls the specialist.
For example, if a child is very disruptive, we can isolate him for a moment without hurting him, while also promoting his qualities. And above all, avoiding meddling in the education of others is recommended: “do not say “you are right” or “you are wrong” if a mother or father scolds their child”, indicates the psychologist.
Moments of reunion must, ultimately, remain moments of joy. Friendship between parents is precious and there are many solutions to improve daily life.
“We can, for example, prepare a table for the children and a table for the adults, in order to chat with each other and enjoy the moment,” advises Pascal Anger. “By combining all these little strategies and trying to value the education of each other, without incriminating, little by little you will succeed in (re)finding balance”, concludes the specialist.
In short: your friendships are precious and deserve to be preserved and cultivated, while respecting your principles.