When a couple goes through a crisis, we often talk about “bad habits”. However, for Aline Nativel Id Hammou, the term is almost too weak. It is a logical and progressive deterioration of the relationship.These are the establishment of relational issues which are toxic, harmful for both partners“, she explains. If you recognize one of these four pillars in your daily life, it is time to act.
The attack: when the intention is to harm
Unlike a simple awkwardness of language, the attack is frontal and conscious. In psychology, it is defined by a deliberate desire to hurt another. It often occurs when we ourselves feel threatened in our place or our individuality.
According to the expert, “attack is the act of having an intention to harm. This means that we are aware, most of the time, that we want to attack the other.”. If this verbal ping-pong takes place, it is a sign that the marital dynamic has been altered for a long time.
Contempt: the poison of superiority
Contempt is undoubtedly the most destructive attitude. It establishes a hierarchy where one partner feels more intelligent, more beautiful or more subtle than the other. Respect disappears to give way to a form of deep disenchantment.
“There, we are really in a characteristic of dominance, of superiority in relation to the life partner” specifies Aline Nativel Id Hammou. It is a stage where we are no longer able to admire the other, and where we seek to strengthen our own image by crushing our own.
Permanent defense: the other becomes the enemy
When attacks and contempt are regular, the targeted partner develops hyper-vigilance. We no longer communicate, we protect ourselves. We then perceive the person who shares our life as a “counter-ally”.
“If we live on a form of permanent defense, it means that we see the other as an enemy” analyzes the psychologist. This defensive posture makes any healthy affectivity impossible, because the notion of risk and danger takes precedence over tenderness.
“Stonewalling” or the stone wall
This is the final stage of degradation. Faced with too much suffering, one of the two partners becomes silent. It’s an emotional anesthetic: we no longer show anything, we no longer react to anything.
“At a given moment, we put in place a protection mechanism where we completely anesthetize our emotions, our feelings, and above all we no longer show anything to the other“, describes the expert. This stone wall is an immense challenge for the couple because the person becomes totally hermetic to attempts at dialogue.
How to change: nonviolent communication and honesty
To escape this vicious circle, the psychologist suggests two main paths:
- Practice non-violent communication (NVC). To navigate these turbulences, NVC is a valuable tool. “It allows us to move away from the attack and return to the “I”. Instead of pointing out the faults of the other, we express our own needs and feelings without aggression. It is a total relearning of the exchange to rehabilitate kindness”;
- Knowing how to say “stop” for everyone’s well-being. Sometimes lucidity is the greatest act of love. If these four attitudes have been in place for too long, separation may be the healthiest solution.
“Sometimes the only possible change is separation if we can no longer live together” concludes Aline Nativel Id Hammou. In certain cases, ending a toxic relationship is essential to regain one’s integrity and well-being.