“We no longer have the same libido…” Advice from sexologist Céline Vendé to revive intimacy
You really love him, and yet… When it’s time to get under the covers, your rhythms don’t match. One wants it often, the other much less. This difference in desire in the couple then creates frustration, doubt, and sometimes even a feeling of rejection. When should you worry? Sexologist and therapist Céline Vendé gives us the keys to understanding your other half, and how to find complicity in intimacy.
First, understand what is really at stake individually
In reality, frustration often goes beyond sexuality. “Sexual frustration can awaken other things such as the fear of being abandoned, the need for validation, the feeling of injustice: putting words to emotions avoids focusing everything on sex“. This is why identifying the problem for each person is necessary: ”We must identify the two feelings. There are high desires like ‘I need to be desired, chosen’ and low desires like ‘I need security and time’“.
In order to better understand everyone’s feelings, you absolutely must change your wording: “We must already reformulate the problem. We should not say ‘you don’t want me’ but rather ‘our rhythms of desire do not align’“.
“Many people have a reactive desire, therefore a desire that comes with a context. While other people have a spontaneous desire“.
How and when to express yourself without hurting others?
Broaching the subject requires good timing. “Choose the right time. Never say it after a refusal but rather at a neutral moment like around a coffee, a walk…“. Also pay attention to the wording, it changes the entire dynamic of the conversation: “Express yourself using ‘I’ so ‘I feel sad and alone’, ‘I would like us to find times to get together together’“.
Don’t use phrases that will directly turn on your partner: “We avoid as much as possible sentences that confine us like ‘Anyway, you never want to’ or ‘It’s always me who comes to you’“. Instead, “Instead, we will ask open-ended questions that are not accusatory, such as ‘Why don’t you feel like it right now?’, ‘Have I done something that doesn’t suit you?’“.
Express yourself without hurting others, at the right time, and without dramatizing. After that, all you have to do is take action!
How to find sexual balance?
The solution is not to schedule compulsory sex. For the sexologist, the path leads through intimacy. “We must move from the notion of sex to the notion of intimacy: moments of cuddling, skin to skin, sensuality, showering for two…“. Then the second step must be done smoothly: “Then comes sexuality, which can only be caresses or languorous kisses at first to reconnect“Progression matters more than performance.”The idea is to gradually increase these first two stages and build towards the third, if possible.“.
And to get there, she recommends: “You can have intimate dates, not sex! You plan time together, without screens, just with your other half“.
“In your meetings, present an à la carte menu with proposals rather than a sexual performance! It should be a real moment of connection and communication“.
And to avoid everything relying on the other? “Maintaining personal sexuality is essential: masturbation and autoeroticism are not against the couple. It takes the pressure off” advises the sexologist.
When does it get deeper?
According to our expert, “the desire gap is the norm in a couple“However, certain signals should alert:
- A sudden change when everything was going well;
- A lasting decline without explanation;
- Avoidance or anxiety.
In these situations, “ask yourself if there is resentment, undigested conflict or betrayal“.
And as the sexologist sums it up: “The secret ultimately is to create the right conditions!“.
Because deep down, it’s not just about sex, it’s about connection. Putting your emotions into words, choosing the right time to talk and relearning how to cultivate intimacy without pressure can transform the dynamic of the couple. As Céline Vendé reminds us, everything is a question of conditions: when security and listening return, desire can also find its place.