A recent study suggests that having been exposed to parental infidelity may increase the likelihood of considering infidelity oneself later in life. But should we still talk about family determinism? According to psychologist Aline Nativel Id Hammou, the reality is much more nuanced: between reproduction, protection and repair, love trajectories are never reduced to a simple inheritance.
A study that questions the link between parental infidelity and love life
Researchers from Koç University in Turkey interviewed 280 young adults aged 18 to 30 who had been in a romantic relationship for at least a year. Their objective: to understand the psychological factors associated with the intention of infidelity.
Significant result: almost half of the participants said they were aware of parental infidelity. And this group rated their own probability of being unfaithful as higher than those who had not experienced this family situation.
However, the study does not conclude that there is a simple mechanical reproduction of parental behavior. Rather, it highlights a correlation with a particular emotional profile: emotional avoidance, characterized by discomfort with intimacy and a strong desire for independence. In other words, it would not be infidelity itself that is transmitted, but a way of protecting oneself in the relationship.
Childhood, the first school of love
For psychologist Aline Nativel Id Hammou, it is essential to remember that parents represent the first attachment figures and the first references of the romantic model.
“The child constructs his representation of the couple, of love and respect from what he observes within the parental relationship”she explains.
Thus, when a child grows up in a climate marked by infidelity (conflicts, emotional distance, sadness or tensions), he integrates, consciously or not, a certain vision of the romantic bond. This vision can influence the way of loving, trust in others, the perception of commitment but also the fear of being abandoned or hurt.
“This family context does not act as an inevitability, but as a psychological ground on which future relationships develop.”
Avoidant attachment: a central key to understanding
The study notably discusses the role of insecure-avoidant attachment, a concept from John Bowlby’s attachment theory. This attachment style is often built when the child perceives parental emotional unavailability. However, in a context of infidelity, this can happen in several ways:
- A parent turned towards the outside of the family;
- A parent who is injured and less emotionally available;
- An unstable or anxiety-provoking family climate?
According to Aline Nativel Id Hammou, the child can then develop an unconscious protection strategy: keeping his emotional distance to avoid suffering.
A reflex which can result in adulthood as hyper-autonomy, a fear of intimacy, or even a difficulty in opening up. In this logic, infidelity can become, not a premeditated betrayal, but a strategy of emotional regulation: investing in a relationship, but without completely exposing oneself to vulnerability.
Reproduction, invisible loyalty and psychological mechanisms
Let us also remember that transmission is not genetic, but psychological and relational. In this context, the psychologist identifies several possible mechanisms, which can lead to infidelity:
- The reproduction of the love model. Parents being the first models, some children unconsciously integrate their romantic behaviors. This can create mimicry: “This is how we love, this is how we behave as a couple“.
- Invisible loyalty. A child can remain loyal to the parent with whom he or she identifies, by reproducing certain facets of their personality, including their vulnerabilities. This loyalty can be conscious… or completely unconscious.
- The family emotional climate. Infidelity is often accompanied by a climate of insecurity: arguments, sadness, fear of separation… The child can then grow up with anxiety about abandonment or an excessive quest for emotional validation.
- The repair mechanism. Paradoxically, some adults unconsciously choose to be the one who deceives rather than the one who suffers, as a way of maintaining control and not reliving the pain observed in childhood.
But the opposite effect also exists (and it is common)
This is an essential point underlined by Aline Nativel Id Hammou: in her clinical practice for more than 15 years, many adults who have experienced parental infidelity, on the contrary, develop strong emotional vigilance. And unfailing loyalty.
Some people build highly committed relationships precisely because they suffered from the instability they experienced during childhood. Conversely, they can:
- Categorically refuse deception;
- Be very demanding in their relational values;
- Seek strong emotional security;
- Develop an acute awareness of loving respect.
In other words, parental experience can lead to reproduction as much as a conscious desire never to reproduce.
Once unfaithful, always unfaithful? No, and it is essential to remember this
According to Aline Nativel Id Hammou, it is therefore fundamental to avoid any fatalistic vision. Having an unfaithful parent absolutely does not mean that you will become unfaithful.
“It is not a question of a genetic inheritance, but of more or less conscious psychological mechanisms, shaped by the family environment, the attachment style, subsequent relational experiences but also personal and therapeutic work.”
Awareness also plays a major role: many adults discover in therapy that they reproduce certain patterns… before transforming them.
Rather than blaming the family past, scientific work above all calls for strengthening the protective pillars of the couple such as communication, intimacy, complicity and curiosity towards others. “These elements significantly reduce the risk of infidelity, even among people who grew up in an unstable family context. underlines the psychologist.
Our parents influence, but do not determine
So, is infidelity our parents’ fault? The psychological answer is clear: no. Family history can influence the way we love, relate, and protect ourselves emotionally, but it never dictates our romantic destiny.
As Aline Nativel Id Hammou points out, infidelity must be understood not only as a moral question, but as a behavior often linked to inner conflicts, emotional needs or protection strategies.
Ultimately, knowing your family history is not about feeling guilty, but about understanding yourself better. Because what is really transmitted is not actions… but relational models that each person, as an adult, has the power to transform.