In the show “Who wants to marry my son?” currently broadcast on M6, young Kilian Froehly – and his mother – have already eliminated two out of eight contenders. And his father doesn’t hide it: she doesn’t want muscular bad boys for her son. “We said: not just the physical!“, she says, convinced that she knows better than anyone who could really match him. But this invasive presence could well complicate the young man’s love life, believes psychologist Pascal Anger. “Having a good bond with your mother is a good thing, but you have to be careful that she does not take up too much space in your life and in your relationship.“, he warns. Here’s how to establish a “good distance”.
An oppressive mother… and a not very autonomous “son”
“With maternal love, life makes you a promise at dawn that it never keeps,” wrote Romain Gary. How can we explain, in fact, this strong bond that unites a mother and her son? While it may be difficult to decipher all the subtleties, one thing is certain: this relationship should not be stifling.
“Certain limits are necessary. For example, the personal and intimate life of the couple does not concern her: she has neither to judge her son’s partner, nor to comment on her appearance or her choices”, recalls the psychologist.
As such, it is important to leave room for possible discussion with her, but without feeling guilty when it is necessary to put her in her place. The mother should not make decisions in place of her son or her couple (Such a person is good for you…). “Of course, she may want to be very present and have the feeling that everything depends on her, but the son in question must be able to be autonomous and form his own opinions,” warns the expert.
It is all the more difficult for some, who “feel guilty” about pushing their mother aside. From a distance, some mothers may indeed feel abandoned or useless, having given everything for their child. “They then seek to remain indispensable: by paying for vacations, helping to finance an apartment, looking after the children… These gestures can be generous, but they must not become a means of maintaining control,” says Pascal Anger.
Likewise, a mother should never be able to show up unexpectedly at her son’s house. Even for a most urgent reason (“I brought you your favorite pasta dish” Or “I washed your clothes” don’t count). But when said mother has been used to doing everything for years, it’s difficult to make her understand that things are going to change…
A dominant-dominated relationship
Sometimes the mother resents her daughter-in-law or interferes a little more every day in their relationship because she doesn’t know how to act otherwise. She has always been dominant, controlling, and for her, things are that way.
“Sometimes it happens that this domination has existed for a long time and that has suited everyone. But at a certain point, it becomes necessary to rebalance the relationship and not let it do everything,” warns Pascal Anger.
Because, it may be good to remember, being worthy of maternal love does not mean having to put yourself at her mercy or accept everything she wants.
“Loving your child does not mean preventing him from living his life. A mother must not be a burden for her son, nor remain in an authoritarian or dominant position as she may have been when he was a child. She must agree to let him find his place and chart his own path, according to his needs,” affirms the practitioner.
It may then be useful to say to him: “no, I can’t be everything to you.“
How to get out of this stifling bond?
In some cases, family therapy can help everyone express their anger, sadness and emotions, both positive and negative. “It also allows us to better understand family dynamics and find the right distance between each person,” advises the expert. This support can also help the child who has become an adult to no longer carry his parent’s expectations or emotions alone (“I wanted you to be a doctor, not a dentist”; “why do you live so far from me?”).
Putting words to the situation is therefore necessary, while recognizing what happened (“we have been united, but I no longer want this fusion…“). Taking some distance (especially geographically) can also help. The most important thing is to be transparent about your desires and needs.
“We must also accept that some mothers will not change. This does not mean that anyone is at fault: neither the mother nor the son. The objective is rather to create or recreate a healthier and more stable relationship, which suits everyone”, concludes Pascal Anger.