Have you always put the happiness of others before your own? This tendency to always be available and understanding has a name: “nice girl” syndrome. We explain to you what it consists of.
What is “nice girl” syndrome?
Nice Girl Syndrome refers to people who try to please everyone, all the time. This expression was popularized by the American psychotherapist Dr. Lois P. Frankel, who developed it in her book “Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office: Unconscious Mistakes Women Make That Sabotage Their Careers”translated into French under the title “These nice girls who sabotage their careers”.
In this work, the practitioner explains how many women – conditioned from childhood by the expectations of society and those around them – adopt “too” nice behaviors. Like saying yes to everything or anticipating the expectations of others (preparing a surprise birthday, inviting your partner’s friends to the house even when you are tired…). However, if pleasing those close to you and taking care of them is an altruistic approach, this attitude can become problematic when it leads to completely forgetting yourself. In these cases, it ends up harming the careers, well-being and relationships of the individuals involved.
By ultimately seeking to always be present, gentle and kind, the “nice girl” accumulates a lot of stress. She prefers to put aside her own needs (even if it means being exhausted or overwhelmed) to satisfy others. She also minimizes her emotions to preserve good relations at home or at work.
How to explain this attitude?
Behind this attitude focused on others, deep fears and coping mechanisms are often hidden. In fact, people seek to avoid disagreements at all costs. But how do we actually recognize that we are a victim of this syndrome? Just pay attention to these few key signs:
- An exaggerated fear of conflict;
- The need to be appreciated and “validated” by others;
- Some difficulty setting limits.
So many small dysfunctions that can harm a person’s development.
“Accessing the desires of others is even the obvious sign of a
lack of self-esteemcoupled with great anxiety and emotional dependence” explains Elodie Crépel, psychoanalyst, in her comic book Atypically Notre.
“These people want to be accepted, to be loved, which pushes them to say yes to almost everyone, even to the detriment of their own needs, even if it puts them in an uncomfortable situation, and creates an emotional and relational imbalance,” continues Johanna Rozenblum.
In the long run, these mechanisms can lead to self-effacement: we lose sight of our own needs, desires and aspirations.
In love, the need to be appreciated and “validated” can also attract manipulators or narcissistic perverts.
If you are in this situation, learn to listen to your feelings (if you don’t want to do something, then don’t do it) and seek help from a professional if necessary.