In many couples, silence is seen as a calming strategy. Better to stay silent than start an argument, we think. But this apparent restraint can, insidiously, widen a gap.
“We sometimes believe that remaining silent avoids conflicts, but in reality, each accumulated silence creates a distance. And this gap becomes more and more difficult to bridge“, explains coach, couples therapist and founder of Atout Couple, Myriam Bidaud, on Instagram. According to her, daring to say “I feel alone” is always better than letting the other person guess.
Stifled emotions and superficial exchanges
First warning sign: you are swallowing your emotions. For fear of being misunderstood, judged or rejected, you prefer to remain silent. In the short term, this avoids discomfort. In the long term, this breeds frustration and resentment. Things left unsaid accumulate and end up weighing heavily in the emotional balance.
Another revealing clue: your conversations are limited to strictly daily life. Organization, logistics, children, work… You talk about the present, but more about your dreams, your projects or what deeply connects you. The relationship becomes functional, almost administrative, to the detriment of emotional intimacy.
Silent waiting and shared living
Waiting for the other person to guess your needs is also a common trap. You silently hope that your partner understands what you’re missing…and you blame them when they fail to “read your mind.” This permanent misunderstanding creates diffuse frustration and a feeling of injustice.
Little by little, the couple’s dynamic can slide towards simple cohabitation. You share a roof, sometimes the same bed, but everyone lives in their own bubble. Exchanges become rarer, complicity fades and the emotional bond fades. You feel like you’ve become roommates rather than romantic partners.
The wall of silence, and how to break it down
The most striking sign comes when you realize that a wall has erected between you. A wall made of all these held back words, these silenced emotions, these never expressed needs. This observation can be brutal: the distance was not established in one day, but through repeated silences.
For the therapist, the only way to reverse this dynamic is clear: start talking again. Even clumsily.
“Choosing communication means choosing to protect your relationship and make it stronger”she recalls. Expressing your vulnerabilities, saying your fears or your loneliness, is to offer others the possibility of understanding — and of getting closer.