For some time now, you have been told that your other half loves you “badly”, and you don’t know what to do with this information? A psychologist explains why this sentence can be so destabilizing, and above all how to distinguish between imperfect love… and a relationship that weakens you.
Loving the wrong way: what does it mean?
Behind this seemingly innocuous sentence another question arises: is there a right way to love? The answer is actually more complicated than you might think, admits Amélie Boukhobza.
“There is obviously no universal user manual. No correct way of loving that would work for everyone… Everyone loves with who they are: their history, their experiences, their education, their shortcomings, their fears, their impulses… Some love by giving a lot. Others by protecting themselves more. Some like fusion, others with more distance. There is no one way to love…“, she analyzes.
Indeed, some will multiply their attention, sometimes to the point of forgetting themselves. Others, on the contrary, will need to preserve their space, to maintain a form of autonomy in order to feel secure in the relationship. Finally, some will seek great emotional closeness in order to be reassured.
If everyone therefore has their own way of loving, “not all are equal“, warns the psychologist. Only one constant applies here: love must do… good.
“Love is not meant to cause continuous suffering. Controlling, stifling, preventing or forbidding is not love — even less so is it to be controlled.“, warns Amélie Boukhobza.
Then, loving “badly” should not be synonymous with emptiness or absence. The other needs to be reassured, cajoled, pampered. Because love without affection, without the daily (or at least regular) “I love you”, weakens. “This is a way of loving which damages, which restricts, which insecures“, warns the practitioner.
What then is this true love, this healthy love?
In everyday life, it lies in very simple details: saying what you think to the other, not fearing their reactions, simply being happy to find them in the evening.
“True love – that which lasts over time – has nothing to do with total fusion, nor with independence at all costs. It is a space where one can be oneself without disappearing, and where the other is not there to fill… but to accompany. A form of tranquility. A freedom for two“, analyzes Amélie Boukhobza.
Concretely, this translates into a relationship where simplicity prevails (no candlelit dinners every evening, nor fireworks… but a simple TV set). In other words, good understanding and complicity take precedence, to the point of transforming each micro-moment of everyday life into a happy moment.
Here, the simple presence of the other soothes more than it questions. “Contrary to what people often say, love is not chaos. Nor the drama. Nor a succession of emotional roller coasters. Love, deep down, should make you more alive, not more worried“, assures the practitioner.
But love is also… a decision. That of becoming partners to get through existence. “Choose yourself, consciously. Without being blinded by passion, but with confidence and freedom“, specifies the psychologist.
So maybe the real question isn’t so much, “Does he like me, in the right way?” that: “Does the way he loves me make me feel good?” “Is this love good for me?”
“Because we often confuse intensity and quality. So yes, there is no single right way to love, but there are guidelines: a love where we can speak without being afraid; a love that does not force you to reduce yourself; a love that leaves room for doubt, but not for permanent fear; a love that doesn’t erase who you are“, concludes Amélie Boukhobza.
Real questions to ask yourself this evening to find out if you are really with the “right one”!