We could say that being sincere is enough. This is what many believe. However, the reality is a little more complex than that…
“Telling a friend that you find him too focused on himself, not listening enough, sometimes intrusive… touches on the narcissism of the other. And it is a sensitive point, very sensitive. Because behind it, there is always the question: “am I a good person?”, rcalls Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist.
So how do you make a remark without triggering closure, defense or coldness?
Talk about yourself
First, we try to talk about ourselves rather than the other in a direct way. About what we feel.
“I sometimes feel a little alone when I talk.” This is not at all the same thing as: “You never listen to me.” “The first sentence opens. The second accuses”, analyzes the psychologist.
Choose the right time
Then we try to choose the right moment. We do not resolve an imbalance in the middle of dinner, nor in front of other people.
“Because feeling humiliated is the quickest shortcut to a breakup. An important remark deserves a calm setting. Almost intimate”, recalls the practitioner.
Avoid generalizations
We also avoid generalizations, even if they are tempting. “You always do this” is unbearable to hear. No one always does the same thing. “It’s better to talk about a specific situation. Give an example. It’s clearer… and more admissible”, underlines the expert.
Preserve the relationship
Another important point to keep in mind: the goal here is to preserve the relationship, not to damage the bond with this person you love and care about. The way you say things therefore matters a lot. And this intention can be formulated explicitly: “I’m talking to you about it because you mean something to me.” Such a sentence changes a lot of things. She defuses.
Let time do its work
Then, you must also accept the possibility that the other person may take it badly. “Because in real life, it happens. Few people accept a questioning immediately. But time can do its job and allow the other to think about it,” says Amélie Boukhobza.
Why is it so difficult to say something to a friend?
Simply, because we are afraid of losing it, recalls the psychologist. Because we grew up with the idea that saying what is disturbing puts the bond in danger. So we keep quiet. We accumulate. And one day, we explode over a trifle.
“So it’s better to say things when they appear, rather than taking it in and piling on until it breaks up. A solid friendship, like a romantic relationship, is not measured by the absence of conflict. But by the ability to get through discomfort without leaving each other.” concludes the expert.