On dating apps, the scenario is classic: after a few uneventful dates, the other person asks a question about marriage or expresses a feeling that is a little too strong. Your instinct? Reject it immediately.
If this flight reflex is systematic, it is no longer a question of simple selection criteria, but of a defense mechanism. The concept, popularized by therapist Kati Morton in an article for Selfdescribes these people who, for fear of vulnerability, prefer to bare their thorns rather than communicate.
Recognize pufferfish defense mechanisms
“Puffer fish” behavior often manifests itself as outright avoidance. According to therapist Julie Newman, this can look like prolonged silence, a lack of initiative to see each other, or a sudden lack of curiosity about each other’s lives.
For others, the reaction is more direct: we seek arguments to self-sabotage the bond. “You are a puffer fish. If someone gets too close and you start to feel vulnerable, you withdraw instead of communicating” says Kati Morton.
It’s a primitive stress response: when faced with the “threat” of intimacy, the nervous system chooses fight or flight to ensure emotional safety.
The roots, between avoidant attachment and trauma
This behavior is not inevitable, but is often rooted in the avoidant attachment style. These profiles learned that proximity rhymes with unpredictability or criticism.
“Having an avoidant attachment often means coming across as the independent person, the one who doesn’t show their flaws and who always seems to keep their distance. psychologist Amélie Boukhobza explained to us, in a previous article.
In reality, this extreme autonomy is a shell. “When we grew up in an environment where emotional needs were minimized, ignored or judged too much, we learned to protect ourselves differently.” continues the expert. The pufferfish does not always realize that it is doing this; he simply feels a growing anxiety which only subsides once distance is re-established.
How to defuse your own thorns?
To change, you must first identify your own patterns. The trigger often comes after having sabotaged a relationship that we really cared about. The key is to learn to name the emotion when it arises. Instead of running away, Kati Morton advises expressing yourself precisely when you want to run away.
“It’s not that we don’t want to be close to others, it’s that we don’t know how to do it without feeling threatened.“recalls Amélie Boukhobza. Rather than building a solid wall, try to set clear limits, like a fence.
Say “I need an evening alone, we’ll talk tomorrow” allows you to preserve your space without giving the other person the impression of an imminent breakup.
Living with a pufferfish: instructions for use
If you share the life of such a profile, patience is your best ally. There’s no point in pointing them out with direct questions about their mood. Favor factual and gentle observation. Amélie Boukhobza advises: “No need to force proximity, it risks strengthening their defense, their withdrawal.”
The objective is rather to create a safe space, without pressure. “It’s teamwork, based on trust. The other partner must feel that they can trust you and rely on you! But it takes time…” concludes the psychologist.
If, despite your kindness, the person continues to systematically push you away without awareness, it may be necessary to reassess the viability of the relationship.