“You’re too difficult.” You hear this little phrase often. But in reality, you don’t really know what you’re being accused of. Is this a defect? A judgment? An observation? This qualifier arouses incomprehension, and sometimes questioning. For clinical psychologist Johanna Rozenblum, this qualifier is not as simple as that.
Being “difficult”, an expression that varies depending on the context
“Being considered difficult is an expression that means everything and nothing.” she explains first of all. Behind this word, often thrown around, there is in reality a generalization of very different behaviors, depending on the setting.
“This means that we are perceived as someone demanding, complicated to satisfy, difficult to manage. But that doesn’t mean the same thing depending on the domain.” specifies Johanna Rozenblum.
In the professional world, this qualifier can designate someone who “sets the bar high, who is demanding in the way they collaborate”. In the private sphere, it sometimes refers to a personality who “refuses many proposals, who is a little rigid, who lacks flexibility in everyday life”. And in romantic relationships, “being difficult can mean that we are selective, that we have difficulty getting attached or that we expect a lot from others”.
In other words, being perceived as “difficult” does not have a universal meaning. But this vagueness does not prevent the label from carrying weight.
Being demanding: a fault or a poorly understood need?
“In all cases, the connotation is quite negative because it is perceived as a fault” admits the psychologist. And yet, behind this reputation as a “complicated” person can hide someone who knows their limits, their values, their needs well.
“It can also reflect a person who has demands on themselves, not necessarily on others. she emphasizes.
However, the social outlook remains not very forgiving. And for good reason: in a world where flexibility, adaptability and openness are valued, a person who says “no”, who negotiates, or who expresses disagreement quickly becomes the one who “makes a fuss”.
When the image of a “difficult person” harms our relationships
The question then arises: can this judgment have a lasting impact on our connections to others? Yes, answers Johanna Rozenblum, straightforwardly.
“Obviously, others are not there to manage our problems, our emotions, our difficulties in handling this or that situation. And not everyone has the same capacity for empathy, so yes, it can damage certain relationships.”
The impact can be insidious: loneliness, tension, repeated misunderstandings… The problem is not so much “being difficult”, as not being able to make one’s needs understood without offending or withdrawing.
So how do we get out of this dynamic? For the psychologist, there is a key moment when professional support must be considered. “If being difficult is going to handicap the different relationships we have in love, in friendship, at work, if it is brought up again and again by others and we are unable to adapt, we must consult a psychologist. she recommends.
Working on yourself also means learning to recognize the origin of these demands and what they protect. “With a professional, we will be able to talk about our history, the management of our emotions, understand why our personality leads us to appear as someone difficult to those around us.
To finally “give meaning, find the causes, and new adaptation strategies” and achieve relationships with others that are less… difficult. And more serene.