“You know I don’t know how to iron“… Behind this seemingly innocuous little phrase can hide a well-established strategy: that of feigned incompetenceused to escape the chores of everyday life. Often used unconsciously (but not always), this technique places the burden of household chores on a single partner, and it is rarely a coincidence. If your other half is suddenly clumsy with a sponge or systematically “forgets” the errands to do, it may be time to keep an eye out.
A common phenomenon in life as a couple, the technique of incompetence sets in insidiously. It consists of feigning an inability to do a task well so that someone else takes over. And if she can make you smile at the start, she risks shattering the balance of the couple. Why does this behavior come up so often? How to differentiate it from real clumsiness? And above all, how can we respond to it without creating another conflict?
How to recognize the technique of incompetence in the couple?
It all starts with a simple task: taking out the trash, vacuuming, folding laundry. Then a phrase that comes up too often: “I’m doing everything wrong“, “You do it better than me“, or even “I don’t know how we do it“. In many cases, this type of excuse is not a true admission of weakness, but an avoidance strategy.
According to therapist Benu Lahiry in Well+Good, “exploiting one’s incompetence in romantic relationships is a strategy to manipulate or control a partner“It is a passive-aggressive mechanism: the person does not directly accept their refusal, but arranges so that the other person ends up doing things for them. The most common excuse? “I’m not good at this“, combined with a failed execution, intentionally or not, which pushes the other to take back the reins.
This behavior is not reserved for couples: it is also found between roommates, colleagues or family members. But it is in life together that it takes a more critical turn, because it creates a chronic imbalance in the distribution of responsibilities.
Why does this technique mainly affect women?
They are often the ones who suffer the effects. Psychologist Wendy Walsh, a relationship expert, points out that this ruse is “most often used by lazy people, mostly men“. And the figures don’t lie: women continue to shoulder 70 to 80% of domestic tasks, even when they work full time.
The causes are multiple. Education plays a central role. Daryl Appleton, psychotherapist and coach, emphasizes that “men who grew up without being asked to take on household chores may have difficulty acclimating to them as they grow up“. Their incompetence is therefore not always feigned: it can result from learning that was never achieved. However, in many cases, this lack of habit is transformed into a strategy to avoid any effort to adapt.
Some women, for their part, end up giving in to preserve the harmony of the home. They would rather do it themselves than spend their time correcting things, or fighting over poorly rinsed dishes. But by giving in, they become invisibly overloaded.
And yet, research shows that couples who share household chores equally experience less conflict and more relationship satisfaction. Valuable data, when we know to what extent everyday life can weaken bonds.
Our advice for countering this strategy (without breaking down the couple)
If you feel like you’re doing everything at home while your partner is clumsy, here are some concrete ways to turn things around:
- Express what you feel, without accusing: avoid direct reproaches and opt for sentences like “I feel alone in handling certain things“rather than”You never do anything” ;
- Set clear, black and white expectations: who does what, when, and how. This avoids misunderstandings… or false omissions;
- Let him do it his way, even if it’s not perfect. Learning happens through action, and constantly intervening only strengthens the dynamic;
- Encourage every sincere effort. A compliment can trigger more goodwill than a call to order;
- Consider couples therapy if the situation remains frozen: a neutral third party can help bring awareness to the surface without judgment.
The technique of incompetence is not always voluntary, but it always has a cost. By putting words to it, by reestablishing an honest dialogue, it is possible to get out of it without going through an argument. Because in love, as in dishes, good will makes all the difference.