We often spend hours watching for the “red flags” of a relationship, dissecting each message, each silence, for fear of being the wrong person. As with a series or a restaurant, we first look at the bad reviews: we remember one reproach more than ten tender gestures. This vigilance sometimes protects, but it can also make you forget the positive signs that show that the person next to you may already be the one.
Psychologists point out, however, that a solid couple is recognized less by the absence of problems than by the presence of real “green flags”. American specialist Mark Travers describes, based on recent research, three main indicators of a relationship that has potential: shared joy, active support in difficult times, and spontaneous attention to your needs. Very simple things, but they change everything.
Sign #1: When his joy for you never rings false
Researchers speak of compersion to designate the pleasure we feel when seeing others happy, the exact opposite of jealousy. An entrance to theEncyclopedia of Sexual Psychology and Behavior presents it as a set of positive emotions linked to the partner’s emotions. A study published in 2024 in the journal Emotion observed that the most satisfied couples are those whose smiles respond quickly and often, a phenomenon called smile synchrony.
Concretely, it shows in these tiny moments: you tell a fascinating article about penguins, you finally complete a hellish video game level, you achieve a small success at work. Your partner might roll their eyes or barely respond. If, on the contrary, he or she starts to smile with you, to ask questions, to celebrate even your banal victories, this is one of the signs that your partner is the right person.
Sign #2: in the storm, he or she clearly takes your side
Another strong indicator, noted by work in 2020: partner buffering, this way that one partner serves as an emotional firewall when the other is in difficulty. Researchers describe how a person can help their spouse regulate their emotions during stressful situations, such as criticism, arguments or feelings of exclusion, and how this strengthens the emotional security of the couple.
In real life, this looks like the partner who cuts short your in-laws’ little barbs, who calmly reframes a loved one when your boundaries are not respected, or who, in the middle of a couple’s conflict, seeks to appease rather than win. For psychologist Siyana Mincheva, feeling listened to, understood and supported in these tense moments is a very good indicator that the relationship is bringing you the peace you need.
Sign n°3: he shows himself to be present without you having to ask
In long-lasting couples observed by psychologists, one trait often comes up: altruism. A study published in 2019 in the journal
Personality and Individual Differences associates the choice of a caring partner, who cares about your well-being without keeping score, with better long-term satisfaction. Putting your phone aside, thinking about your day, correcting your faults for you: this is very concrete evidence.