Why do some adults seem more emotionally solid in the face of unexpected events, conflicts or failures? For psychologists, this apparent serenity is built very early. Not thanks to a perfect education, but thanks to certain essential emotional cues received during childhood.
As Aline Nativel Id Hammou, clinical psychologist interviewed by True Medical, recalls, “there is no magic or universal method”because “each family has its own identity and each child has an individuality“But behind this family diversity, the specialist nevertheless observes.”a form of educational red thread” in adults who become more serene and balanced.
“The basis is emotional security”
For the psychologist, the first fundamental need of a child is to develop what is called “secure attachment”. Concretely, this means growing up with adults capable of providing protection, emotional stability and a reassuring framework.
“Internal security is everything that is psychological, emotional and cognitive reassurance”she explains.
Added to this is external security: the fact of feeling physically protected and surrounded by reliable adults.
According to her, this security then allows the child “to allow yourself to experiment, discover your environment and reach out to others”. In other words, a child who feels secure develops confidence more easily in himself… but also in the outside world.
The psychologist also emphasizes the importance of what she calls the “good enough parent.” Not a perfect parent, then, but a coherent adult, present and capable of meeting the child’s basic needs. “Be in coherence, clarity, framework, limits, while bringing warmth and firmness”she summarizes.
Feeling loved “no matter what”
Among the most powerful elements in the construction of a serene adult, Aline Nativel Id Hammou also evokes the feeling of unconditional love.
“The child must understand and integrate that the love of his attachment figures is unconditional”, she explains. In other words: he must know that he will remain loved despite his errors, his anger, his clumsiness or his failures.
This certainty becomes an immense psychological strength in adulthood. “No matter what he does or what he is, he knows he will always have this refuge”underlines the specialist. An internal security which then promotes autonomy, self-affirmation and the ability to face difficulties.
Emotions are learned from childhood
Another essential learning: emotional management. Contrary to what we sometimes imagine, a child does not naturally know how to manage his frustration, sadness or anger. He learns gradually thanks to the support of adults.
“Co-regulation is fundamental”insists the psychologist. In other words, the child needs “from a present and available adult who validates their emotions”but also who helps him put words to what he feels and find tools to calm down.
Over time, this external help becomes an internal capacity. “The goal is not to be perfect in emotional management, but to be as well equipped as possible”she specifies.
This is often what distinguishes calm adults: they do not experience fewer negative emotions than others, but they are better able to navigate them without being totally overwhelmed.
The right to make mistakes also builds strong adults
For Aline Nativel Id Hammou, a child also needs to be able to try, fail and start again without feeling like they are losing their value.
“We must move away from the idealized child“, she explains. Children who develop good self-esteem are often those who have heard that making mistakes is part of normal development.
The specialist also insists on the importance of valuing the process rather than just the final result.
“You should not only congratulate a good grade, but also all the work that went into getting it.”
This way of encouraging effort, perseverance and progress helps the child build more stable self-confidence and less dependent on immediate success.
Imperfect parents…but authentic
Finally, the psychologist reminds us that a child does not need impeccable parents to grow up peacefully. On the contrary, seeing an imperfect but authentic adult can even be reassuring.
“A parent who enjoys being a parent most of the time.”she summarizes. “A parent capable of showing affection, smiling, expressing emotions and conveying an overall positive image of family life.”
According to her, children learn a lot “by mirror effect”. They observe the way their parents manage relationships, emotions, conflicts or love.
“The child also learns through the parent he has in front of him“, she recalls.
Deep down, the most serene adults often grew up with this deep conviction: they had a place, they mattered, and they could always come back to their loved ones in case of difficulty. An invisible basis… but decisive for all of life.