Just as you were about to get engaged, Paul (yes, the famous Paul) resurfaces. In just one text message, he took over your thoughts. Here you are, prey to doubts, you who had worked so hard to forget him. The icing on the cake: Marco, your former colleague/sex-friend, invites you to an “unambiguous” movie session this evening. A coincidence? Certainly not!
The big return of the exes: a (happy) coincidence?
For psychoanalyst, couples therapist and sexologist Évelyne Dillenseger, certain moments in life are conducive to these “resumptions” of contact. “There is no absolute rule, but when you separate from someone, it takes on average a good year to digest. We have points of memory such as birthdays, end-of-year celebrations, vacations, everything that marked the year, which comes back to our memory“, she reveals in the columns of HuffPost.
For her part, Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist, believes that this “divine” reappearance of exes is not magical… and even less fortuitous.
“It’s often a matter of emotional timing. We are going through a change — a recent breakup, a new relationship, a reconversion, a coming into the light. These moments give off something. Even unconsciously. A form of openness, of vulnerability… or on the contrary, a new assurance. And it is this detail that attracts“, she emphasizes.
In other words: “We unwittingly project a more desirable image. Because we have evolved. That we are less waiting, more centered. This is felt… and disturbs as much as it seduces“, continues the practitioner.
Relaunching the other is sometimes just a form of ultimate test
Any SMS — even the simplest — is never trivial. A “are you okay?” launched at 4 a.m. is a way for your ex to (know) if you are still alive… and still available.
For some exes, seeing the other become more desirable and more desired creates tension: “A mixture of regrets, curiosity, testing. Coming back is sometimes just checking that they still have power“, says Amélie Boukhobza.
But it must also be said: “When all the exes resurface, these messages can be pleasant, even flattering. But it is also above all a sign that they have not moved“, continues the specialist. We often leave our other half for good reasons: because respect no longer existed, because your life paths differed… or even because one of the two partners had grown tired or loved another.
“Contrary to what one might think, we are not more attractive because we are ‘better’ physically or socially“, says Amélie Boukhobza. “We attract because we shine differently. Because we are no longer looking. Because we are no longer in demand. Because we are free. Herein lies the real mystery“, concludes the psychologist.