With your partner, you are sure: you love each other. But the pressure of everyday life, raising children and professional imperatives make you wonder: will your relationship be able to last over time?
An American psychologist provides an answer to the question
To answer this enigma, the American psychologist John Gottman imagined an experiment. Far from grand romantic speeches or compatibility tests, he simply scrutinized the small daily gestures of several couples. According to him, it’s all in the details.
To observe these individuals, he invited them to spend two days in an apartment filled with cameras. Nothing extraordinary, therefore, just their filmed routine, without trick questions or intimate confessions.
“By observing them over these two days, John Gottman says we can predict which ones will still be together in 5 years and which ones will be separated” says psychologist Judith Mangelsdorf in the documentary Unhappy, broadcast on Arte.
What interests him are those moments that we don’t even notice: a hasty remark, a look, a response or a silence. He tracks what he calls “micro-interactions.”
Gottman’s constant, a marker of couple strength
Gottman called this ratio his “constant”. “The most important marker according to him is the ratio between positive and negative interactions. He called it the “Gottman constant”: five to one” explains Judith Mangelsdorf.
Five attentions, for one review. A smile, a hand on the shoulder, a gentle word, for every moment of tension, irritation or reproach. “According to Gottman, for a couple to succeed in building a happy and lasting relationship, it takes 5 times more positive interactions than negative ones, such as criticism or tension” she further specifies.
Clearly, it is not conflicts that kill love. It is their imbalance in the face of tenderness.
There are other signs that a relationship will last, according to our psychologist
“Tender everyday gestures, when they are natural, are a sign that shows a lot of a couple” also confirms psychologist Siyana Mincheva. And when these gestures come spontaneously, regularly, the couple strengthens, almost without us realizing it.
To the question “will our love last?”, Siyana Mincheva takes a lucid look. “This is a question linked to the fact that we want this to last, but be careful not to question this due to lack of confidence or distrust.” she notes.
According to our expert, there are other unmistakable signs. “We understand that a relationship will last if we notice these types of details.” she specifies before listing them:
- “When partners show gratitude and recognition”;
- “When partners are enthusiastic when one of them receives good news. The success of one must be the success of the couple”;
- “When the couple functions as a team and acts together in the face of obstacles”;
- “When partners give each other space and each respects the other’s times”;
- “When there is no longer a taboo subject. This means that both partners can talk about money, sexuality, (in-laws) family… without being afraid of being judged or rejected.”
And above all, she adds, a fundamental ingredient must never be missing. “In my opinion, a couple will last a long time or even for life only if respect plays an important role.” she concludes.