Big news at the start of summer: you have just announced your engagement to your other half. Your whole family is delighted, but a dark point darkens the picture: your sister is less enthusiastic than expected. She jokes about being single, avoids (all the time) the subject of marriage and repeats that at her age, she thought she had already built her life as a couple. For your part, you no longer know very well how to react. Should we reassure her? Avoid talking about marriage? Or just listen to it?
If this situation is difficult to live with, it is far from rare… and can even be calmed, believes psychologist Pascal Anger.
Behind the feeling of being “late”, there is not always only singleness
When a sister or brother becomes engaged, the event can act as a mirror. Suddenly, everyone looks at their own situation. And comparisons sometimes invite themselves into the relationship.
For Pascal Anger, psychologist, this reaction is common.
“It’s a fairly natural and widespread situation. Everyone has their place and their own rhythm. Parents don’t always perceive that each child develops differently. However, single people can live and enjoy life differently, while waiting for things to change at some point.”says the specialist.
Because the discomfort does not necessarily relate to the absence of a partner. Your sister may also feel that you are moving faster than her in certain areas of life.
Place in siblings matters
The relationship between siblings also matters. When two people have been very close for a long time, the arrival of a future spouse can sometimes shake up habits.
“Suddenly, one of the two may have the feeling of being abandoned. However, this feeling can play a determining role”observes Pascal Anger.
In other words, it’s not necessarily your happiness that’s the problem. This is sometimes what he reminds others of.
No need to convince her that “everything is fine”
Faced with your sister’s suffering, wanting to reassure her is tempting (“You will meet someone”, “Your turn will come”, “You have time”). But even when spoken with tenderness, these sentences are often a big flop.
“It’s better to recognize how she feels. Yes, this time may be difficult for her. Yes, she may feel like she’s being pushed aside.” insists Pascal Anger.
Hearing this is often much more calming than receiving advice. Especially since several emotions can coexist.
“Feelings are often ambivalent: you can be happy for someone and hate them at the same time. These two emotions can coexist. And you have to learn to live with this contradiction”confides the practitioner.
So your sister can be happy for you while feeling sad for herself. These two realities are not opposed.
Beware of jealousy
The psychologist also invites us not to let things go unsaid.
“Jealousy can easily creep into siblings. This feeling can last a long time and fuel tensions, conflicts, even a certain amount of relational violence. It is important to approach the brother or sister, open a dialogue and understand why he or she has the feeling that the other occupies a more valued place”recommends the expert.
Because yes: a simple conversation can sometimes defuse a lot of things.
How to preserve your relationship despite this imminent marriage?
You also have the right to be happy. The point here is not to hide your engagement or downplay your joy to protect your sister. On the other hand, recognizing that the situation is not easy for her can help maintain the connection.
“There can also be a form of guilt towards the fiancé(e). In this case, to preserve good understanding, it is obviously necessary to talk about this discomfort, identify what is disturbing and avoid acting as if nothing had happened”explains Pascal Anger.
Maintaining moments together, continuing to check in on her or reminding her of the place she occupies in your life can also make a difference. Because a marriage does not replace a fraternal relationship.
“The alliance between brother and sister remains essential. The person who joins the couple or the family does not prevent the siblings from continuing to exist”recalls the specialist.
And if tensions become too high, taking some distance for a while can be lifesaving. “This break allows everyone to find their place again. Because it often allows things to be straightened out before finding themselves in better conditions”concludes Pascal Anger.
Deep down, your sister may not be waiting for you to find the perfect words. Often, the most valuable thing is to show her that she still matters in your life, even if your paths advance at different paces today.