Nearly 80,000 euros per year. This is the amount that Kate Middleton and Prince William would spend on the education of their three children, according to the magazine Gala. An inaccessible reality for most families, but which echoes a much more universal question: when you invest money in your child, can you really help but expect something in return?
When we give a lot, do we necessarily expect a lot?
No one says to themselves, “I’m waiting for my child to repay me for all my sacrifices.” However, when you increase the number of private lessons, activities or make important financial choices for your studies, it is difficult not to want, in a certain way, to “recover your costs”. By good reports, or even, in the long term, by a job that is “worth it”. And if these expectations most often remain silent, children are not fooled: they know that they must perform.
However, for Pascal Anger, psychologist, we all do a little too much for our children.
“And too much is enough! We need to calm down a little. Above all, we don’t give them enough self-confidence. They are less likely to do things for themselves, or even become incapable of doing them. Result? We don’t let them experience their childhood and adolescence enough“, observes the specialist.
By wanting to open all doors to them, we sometimes end up leaving them little room to experience the world for themselves. “We fill their schedule with activities rather than letting them develop their imagination“, regrets the practitioner.
What if their journey didn’t look like what we had imagined?
This is often where things get complicated. Despite all the efforts made, a child may change his mind, miss a year, want to change direction or simply need to take a breather. A situation that is sometimes difficult to accept when parents have invested a lot.
However, this is not a sign that all is lost. “There can only be slippages at a given moment“, recalls Pascal Anger.
The psychologist even invites us to see these detours as useful steps. “Take the example of the sabbatical year. We often perceive it in a negative light, although it allows us to train, discover languages, live life experiences… In the end, it brings confidence… and solidity“, he believes.
In summary, it may be good to keep in mind that a “successful” journey is not necessarily one without breaks… or without hiccups!
How can we support our child without making them bear the weight of our sacrifices?
Supporting your child without giving him the feeling that he must “pay off” everything his parents have done for him is not easy. And yet, it is more than necessary.
“It must be a selfless gift. He does not do these studies for us, but for himself. Besides, they are never lost: they are used to reason, to reflect and to have better self-esteem“, insists Pascal Anger.
This also requires accepting that your child will not thrive in long studies. “Some teenagers just aren’t cut out for this. But they are not worse than the others“, recalls the psychologist.
Finally, if in doubt, it may be a good idea to open the discussion rather than decide for yourself. “You must listen and not hesitate to talk about it with a third party. There are more and more career counselors who can help you make the right choices“, he concludes.
When choosing how to help your child find his or her path or school, a question deserves to be asked: does this choice respond to your child’s project… or yours?