What happened to your “little one”? Yesterday in your skirts, delighted to share your daily life, here is your child, now a teenager, with rolling eyes, sighs and this look of dismay, as soon as you dare… to breathe?
It’s true that when you think about it, you too, at the same age, found your parents a little outdated, or even completely old-fashioned. The difference is that today, the feeling of shame is also shared via social networks, around an omnipresent word: “embarrassment”. What did you do to deserve this? Not much. Hold on: this is above all a classic passage of adolescence.
An attitude often experienced as an injury by parents
“It is certain that as parents, there is reason to experience it as a wound”recognizes psychologist Amélie Boukhobza.
“When, almost overnight, the teenager no longer wants to be kissed in front of the school, asks that we park a little further away or sighs ostentatiously when we speak, it can be very painful.”
However, this attitude is not necessarily a sign of parental rejection.
The view of others becomes essential during adolescence
“In reality, most adolescents do not reject their parents. They mainly try to protect their image with others, which is extremely fragile at this age”explains the psychologist.
Because adolescence is a period of profound upheaval, the view of peers becomes central. Being accepted by the group, belonging to a gang, avoiding mockery or exclusion: these concerns take up considerable space.
The adolescent brain itself is particularly sensitive to social approval. A mocking comment, a burst of laughter or a hurtful remark from a friend can have a much greater impact than in adulthood.
Why do parents suddenly become “annoying”?
In this context, parents sometimes become, despite themselves, a social risk factor.
A joke considered embarrassing, an outfit considered out of fashion, a display of affection in front of friends, an awkward remark made at the wrong time… So many situations that can turn into a real nightmare for the teenager.
“The problem is not so much the parent himselfspecifies Amélie Boukhobza. What worries the adolescent most of all is the fear of being associated with something that could provoke ridicule and, ultimately, of being rejected himself.
Distance yourself to build your own identity
This distancing is also part of a normal process of identity construction.
“Adolescence is the age where we gradually construct our own identity. To become ourselves, we must be able to distance ourselves from those from whom we come, even if this sometimes involves opposition.” underlines the psychologist.
Criticizing one’s parents, finding them “annoying” or “out of date”, contesting their values: these behaviors contribute to this movement of psychological separation.
“In psychoanalysis, we talk about a questioning of parental ideals. The adolescent gradually ceases to be just “the son of” or “the daughter of” to become a subject in his own right. And this can go through a form of symbolic rupture. It’s rather healthy”reassures Amélie Boukhobza.
A way to test the strength of the family bond
Adolescent opposition also allows the relationship to be tested. “The teenager somehow checks: “Are my parents still my parents even when I reject them? Does the link hold despite my opposition?explains the psychologist.
These behaviors also recall certain mechanisms from early childhood.
“I worked with a child psychiatrist who often said: ‘In adolescence, we replay childhood dishes’. I think that’s exactly that”reports Amélie Boukhobza.
In other words, this attitude is generally not a sign of disenchantment, but a normal stage of development.
How to react without making the situation worse?
Faced with these manifestations of “embarrassment”, it is better to avoid the balance of power.
There’s no need to make your teenager feel guilty or demand public displays of affection. “It is better to respect this need for differentiation while maintaining the link, the limits and the benchmarks”advises Amélie Boukhobza.
Good reflexes to adopt
- Respect their need for autonomy and privacy;
- Avoid humiliation or jokes in front of friends;
- Continue to establish a clear and coherent framework at home;
- Preserve moments of complicity far from the gaze of peers;
- Do not interpret every sigh or glance to the sky as a personal rejection.
And above all, insists the psychologist, “don’t take everything personally“.
Because the paradox of adolescence is there: many teenagers who seem to be ashamed of their parents in public continue, once the door of the house is closed, to deeply need them. “They just need it not to be too obvious.”concludes Amélie Boukhobza.