A friend has just missed a promotion and everything is falling apart for him. When someone falters, the question comes up: what is the best way to provide emotional support? A team of psychologists tested in the laboratory several common options for helping a person who is unwell, in particular talking with them or making a small concrete gesture.
In several laboratory experiments, these researchers arrived at a clear answer: what comforts the most are small gifts. Receiving, after recounting their struggles, three snacks at around 1 dollar each – or a little less than 1 € – made the participants more relieved than a simple discussion. They also observed that gifts without financial cost, but requiring time, had the same effect.
Emotional support: what experiments on small gifts show
The researchers compared two common forms of emotional support: a short supportive conversation or sending three small snacks of around $1 each, or around €0.90. After describing a distressing problem for 5 minutes, the support “receivers” recorded their mood. Those who had received the gifts reported a significantly stronger emotional rebound than those who had only spoken.
This result is due to several simple mechanisms. A gift is seen as a sacrifice, even a minimal one, which makes you feel that you matter to the other. It creates a pleasant surprise, which distracts the mind from the negative event. In one study, gifts made or prepared at home, without spending any money, were just as effective as a purchase.
Conversation, validation, listening: the other half of emotional support
Nothing means that talking is useless. A good conversation remains the other pillar of emotional support. Numerous researches in psychology show that what helps the most is not to put things into perspective, but to practice emotional validation: recognizing that the other’s reaction makes sense, even if the situation does not seem “so serious” from the outside, and giving them time to express what they feel.
A helpful conversation is less like talking and more like active listening. Ask open-ended questions, rephrase, simply ask “Do you want me to listen to you, help you find solutions, or clear our minds?” allows you to adjust your attitude. Associating this presence with a coffee in front of the door or a message with a funny photo combines words and a small concrete gesture.
How to choose the best emotional support for this specific person
The best way to emotionally support someone is the one that fits their way of being and your limits. Ask “What do you need right now?” often gives the best indication. Some people will especially appreciate a surprise gift, others will prefer a long discussion on the phone. Studies show that we often underestimate the positive impact of these gestures: trying, even imperfectly, counts for a lot, as long as you don’t forget yourself.