A journey to work, passing a noisy terrace, scrolling through Instagram… The feeling of loneliness can arise when, on paper, everything is fine. Many adults in relationships have a career and children, and still wonder why their social life seems so poor. The question that comes up is simple and painful: why is it so difficult to make friends as an adult?
Psychologists who study adult friendship insist on one point: the problem does not come from a personality defect, but from a set of very concrete constraints. Jeffrey Jensen Arnett of Clark University describes the period of emerging adulthood between ages 18 and 29 as when friendships are most intense. Afterwards, the frameworks which facilitated meetings disappear, while a close friendship requires time: the researcher Jeffrey Hall, cited in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationshipsestimates that it takes around 200 shared hours to create a truly intimate bond. Everything becomes complicated when free time is reduced.
After 30 years, friendship no longer has an automatic framework
At school, during your studies or at the start of your professional career, you see the same people every day. Robert D. Putnam summarizes this moment in his book Bowling Alone :
“For many people, the friendships formed at school, university or early in working life are the last new friendships they will ever make.” These places impose a common routine, often with people of the same age, which makes connections almost spontaneous.
After 30 years, these structures fade away. Friendship becomes an entirely voluntary bond, more fragile than family. Moving, job changes, the arrival of children or taking care of elderly parents divide up the schedules. Free social time is shrinking, and we rarely have those 200 hours to invest without thinking about it. The result is more like a logistical puzzle than the spontaneity of student years.
Transitions, social fatigue and the legacy of COVID
Each life transition breaks repetition, which is the fuel of the bond. Psychologist Robert Zajonc described the “mere exposure effect”: “Light but repeated contact can create familiarity and turn strangers into acquaintances or friends.” When you change city, department or pace of life, these little repeated encounters suddenly disappear. Add in the fatigue of workdays, and inviting someone out for a drink suddenly seems exhausting; each waits for the other to take the initiative.
The pandemic has reinforced this trend. The Survey Center on American Life found, after 2020, a clear decline in close friendships. “Americans reported having fewer close friendships than in the past, talking to their friends less often, and relying on them less for personal support”writes psychologist Daniel Cox. Between teleworking and atrophied social habits, many have lost those colleagues, neighbors or acquaintances whom they saw effortlessly.
Social networks, hidden biases… and small possible actions
On networks, researcher Kristina Lerman describes a “paradox of strong friendship”: our sons especially show us the people who are the most surrounded. It then feels like everyone has more friends than you, which fuels FOMO and shame. Added to this is the “sympathy gap” described by several studies: we believe we are less appreciated than we really are, so we are less daring to offer coffee or send a message.
However, there are avenues. The work of Gillian Sandstrom and Elizabeth W. Dunn shows that “weak ties” (neighbor, colleague, barista) already improve well-being when we exchange a few words regularly. “Light but repeated contacts“also lay the groundwork for true friendship. And sometimes you just have to accept a slight initial discomfort, then push it a little. As Professor L. Dodge Fernald reminded his students: “If all else fails“, he said about making new friends at college, “just keep trying“.