“What if your partner never changed?” A psychologist’s test that can change the way you look at your relationship

At the beginning of a story, it’s easy to turn a blind eye to certain flaws. We tell ourselves that the other will eventually mature, that they will learn to communicate better or that they will abandon certain hurtful behaviors. However, waiting for a change that never comes is a trap many couples fall into. And when this expectation becomes the only reason to stay together, the relationship can quickly turn into suffering.

This is the observation made by Alberto Soler, psychologist and psychotherapist specializing in family orientation, interviewed by the Spanish media
The Confidential.

According to him, a healthy relationship is based on a simple idea: loving your partner for who they are today, and not for the person you hope they will become.

An analysis that ties in with the concept of “falacia del cambio” (“illusion of change”), described by psychologists from the Adamia Psicología clinic.

“You can’t make your partner change”

For Alberto Soler, banking on a hypothetical transformation of the other is a frequent error.

“Being with your partner and waiting for them to change and become a different person… Believe me, it’s a very bad idea.”

The psychologist points out a reality that is often difficult to accept: no one can change someone against their will.

“You can’t make your partner change, you can’t make anyone change. People, if they change, change because they decide to change, not because someone pushes them to be different.“

According to him, building a relationship on this expectation amounts to nourishing a form of self-deception. In counseling, he regularly observes people who stay in a story only because they hope that “this time it will be different.”

An expectation that can encourage manipulation

This functioning can also open the door to particularly unbalanced relationships. When a person is convinced that their partner will eventually change, they are sometimes willing to put up with behaviors that they would not otherwise accept.

Alberto Soler warns against this mechanism:

“He will take advantage of the fact that you believe he can change to manipulate you. He will give you once good and once bad ad infinitum.”

This alternation between pleasant moments and periods of suffering maintains hope and can promote real emotional dependence. Several psychologists, including Helena Calvo and Gabriela Paoli, have also discussed this phenomenon in La Vanguardiaexplaining that this “hot-cold” often pushes the person to stay despite obvious warning signs.

The question that allows you to see your relationship differently

To help his patients gain perspective, Alberto Soler offers an exercise that is as simple as it is revealing.

He invites everyone to ask themselves this question:

“If your partner stayed exactly as they are today forever, never changing, would you stay with them?”

If the answer is no, the psychologist believes it is important to seriously question the relationship.

This reflection allows us to distinguish two realities: loving a person as they really are or remaining attached to an idealized version that we hope to see appear one day.

Psychologists from the Adamia Psicología clinic explain that this illusion of change is often reinforced by the time already invested in the relationship or by the feeling of having to “save” the other. Result: we excuse behaviors that should nevertheless raise alarms and we constantly postpone the moment to make a decision.

“Beauty and the Beast” is not a model couple

To illustrate his point, Alberto Soler draws on a tale that everyone knows:
Beauty and the Beast.

According to him, this story conveys the idea that a deeply unpleasant or violent person could be transformed by love.

“In tales the story ends well, but in real life the beast usually continues to be a beast.”

Its message is unambiguous: when a partner increases humiliation, manipulation or violent behavior, we should not wait for a hypothetical change. Specialists point out that it is then essential to protect yourself and, if necessary, to seek external help from professionals or specialized structures.