Kindness is not just a valued quality: some research suggests it may also be associated with brain mechanisms linked to pleasure and reward, while prosocial behaviors could help to better manage stress.
In other words, being kind doesn’t necessarily mean smiling all the time or saying yes to everything as you might think. It’s more about developing an attentive, respectful and caring attitude towards others… without forgetting yourself.
Kindness, a real asset for social relations
A person who is smiling, attentive and listens is generally perceived as more accessible. And this impression can play an important role in the quality of relationships, whether friendly, family or professional.
Kindness can also have a “snowball” effect: positive behavior promotes positive interactions and can encourage cooperation. A review devoted to the psychobiological effects of kindness highlights in particular that kind behaviors and positive social interactions activate brain circuits associated with reward.
But be careful of shortcuts: this doesn’t mean that every smile automatically drops cortisol or instantly increases dopamine. The mechanisms are much more complex.
Make kindness a conscious choice
In times of stress, it’s easy to respond curtly, cut people off, or let irritation take over. The first step is simply to become aware of how you react.
Psychologist Nora Blum advises making kindness a conscious decision, even when the situation is uncomfortable. The idea is not to suppress your emotions, but to create a little space between how you feel and how you choose to respond.
Taking a deep breath before responding can sometimes be enough to avoid an impulsive reaction.
Put your phone away when someone is talking to you
It’s a detail that changes a lot of things.
When someone is talking to you, continuing to look at their phone can easily make it seem like they don’t have your full attention. Conversely, putting down your smartphone, looking at your interlocutor and orienting your body towards them constitute simple signals of availability.
Nora Blum rightly emphasizes the importance of this real presence: without attention to one’s environment and the people around us, it becomes more difficult to establish a real connection.
The reflex is simple: when someone is talking to you, try to give them a few minutes without looking at your screen.
Really listen instead of preparing your response
We sometimes tend to think about what we are going to say while the other person is speaking. Result: we hear the words, but we are not fully attentive to what is being said.
Active listening, on the contrary, consists of trying to truly understand the point of view of your interlocutor, without immediately trying to convince them or recount your own experience.
This is often much more effective than trying to impress with long speeches. A person who feels listened to and considered will be more likely to feel confident.
Replace the formulations that point
The content of a sentence is not the only thing that matters: the way you say it can completely change the way it is received.
Saying “You’re wrong” is naturally likely to provoke a defensive reaction. A wording like “I see things differently” allows you to defend your opinion without directly attacking that of the other.
Same thing with little everyday words: “thank you”, “please”, “I understand” or “I see what you mean” can help create a more peaceful climate.
Communication specialist René Borbonus particularly emphasizes the importance of these small signals of consideration in social interactions.
Smile, but above all be sincerely attentive
A smile can facilitate contact, but kindness is obviously not just about displaying a smiling expression.
A sincere compliment, a question asked with interest, a spontaneously offered helping hand or a simple “thank you” can have more impact than an automatic smile.
Prosocial behaviors also seem to be associated with reward mechanisms in the brain, which could partly explain why doing good to others can also provide a positive feeling for the person who acts.
Keep your little promises
Kindness also requires reliability. Saying that you will call someone back, send a document or take care of a task and then systematically forget can end up weakening trust.
Conversely, keeping your commitments, even when they are very simple, gives an image of a reliable and coherent person.
For René Borbonus, reliability constitutes one of the bases of trust in a relationship.
Learn to say no without being rude
Being kind certainly doesn’t mean accepting everything others ask of you.
It’s even one of the traps of kindness: wanting so much to avoid disappointing that you end up accumulating frustrations.
Nora Blum thus reminds us that kindness is not synonymous with weakness or submission. Knowing how to clearly express your needs, set your limits and say no can, on the contrary, make relationships healthier.
For example, you can say, “I understand that you need me, but I can’t do it this time.”
A clear answer is often better than a reluctant “yes” followed by resentment.
Kindness and stress: what does science really say?
It would be tempting to assert that kindness automatically lowers cortisol and increases “happiness hormones”. The scientific reality is more nuanced.
Some research shows that prosocial behaviors and compassion may be associated with reward mechanisms and better stress regulation. An experimental study notably showed that an orientation towards compassionate goals could reduce the hormonal stress response during a stressful situation.
Other work also shows that volunteering might moderate the relationship between daily stressors and cortisol response.
But the results are not sufficiently homogeneous to say that “kindness lowers cortisol by 20%”. A recently published meta-analysis, covering 25 randomized trials, notably did not find a statistically significant effect of positive psychology interventions on cortisol.
The good news is therefore elsewhere: being more attentive, more respectful and more generous in our interactions can above all improve the quality of our relationships, without forcing us to play a character.
And contrary to what one might think, having more charisma does not necessarily mean speaking louder, taking up all the space or trying to seduce. Sometimes you just need to make someone else feel like they matter.