Age and maturity can sometimes have a strange effect on people (and you). In particular, the impression that their character is asserting itself, that they are becoming “tougher” or that they can no longer stand anyone. But do we love “people” less over the years? Our psychologist tells us more about this natural change that many experience without knowing it.
Young people demand more flexibility
According to a recent study, social interactions (calls, contacts, etc.) become rarer from the age of 30 onwards. The sign that we are turning away from others? Not really. There is more of a change of direction taking place.
“When we are young, we are full of energy. We test, we adapt, we take more on ourselves. We endure because we want to please, because we are afraid of excluding or being excluded” recalls Amélie Boukhobza clinical psychologist. In short, we accept outings or links, to leave a good impression. Then over time, things change and this worry lessens. We know our limits, we know what tires us and what nourishes us. We are gradually becoming more selective.
“So it can sometimes give the impression that we tolerate others less. Less patience, less tolerance, less desire to pretend. Are we becoming tougher? Or just more lucid? Probably a little of both.”
The passage of time, a powerful sorting factor
Another effect of the years: the realization that time is not infinite. “In general, we ask ourselves: what am I going to devote my energy, my days, my life to? This lucidity pushes us to go to the essential, to eliminate the superfluous and to cut short what rings hollow. Hollow… like certain relationships that don’t bring much.
From the outside, this may give the impression of rigidity, but it is actually more of a refocusing. “That is to say, we are no longer burdened with forced conversations, shaky relationships, or social obligations that empty us rather than fill us.”
Some troubles evaporate, neuroses remain
So people who age don’t love less or become “mean” or “bitter” (well, not all). But they consciously or unconsciously let go of what weighs them down.
“On a psychological level, two things are happening. On the one hand, what we call the superego relaxes: this inner authority which pushes us to respond to expectations, to rules, to prohibitions. With age, it weighs a little less: we dare more to be ourselves. And so much the better!” develops our psychologist.
But on the other hand, our “inner stuckness” – what we classically call neuroses – do not disappear over time. “On the contrary, they tend to become more accentuated, to become more rigid, more visible.”
“Result: we get rid of what doesn’t really matter, but we can also be more vulnerable to our own fragilities. It’s not that we love others less, nor that we are more selfish: but we sort out what distracts us and what really matters.”
We therefore do not become more embittered with age, but these phenomena explain your reactions…