Adolescence is often synonymous with distance. Just yesterday, your child was recounting his day in great detail; today he disappears behind his bedroom door and seems allergic to any questions. Enough to leave parents helpless, even worried.
A short video posted on TikTok by Dr Willough Jenkins, child psychiatrist and associate professor at the University of California, was a huge success. Its ten reminders intended for parents have been viewed 1.8 million times and liked nearly 70,000 times, according to Newsweek.
Interviewed by the magazine, the specialist explains her point of view based on her clinical experience: “I talk to teens every day at my job…and I hear things they don’t always say at home.” She says she meets adolescents who feel misunderstood, too controlled or who have the feeling of not being seen enough by their parents.
His message? During adolescence, you must gradually move from control to support.
“Think mentoring, not management”, the essential change
Dr Willough Jenkins’ formula is particularly telling: “mentoring, not management”.
The idea is not to let the teenager do whatever he wants. But rather to gradually modify the way in which the parent exercises his authority.
“Management is about controlling results: giving instructions, setting rigid rules, and intervening to prevent mistakes. Mentoring is about guiding, not controlling,” she explains with nuance.
The parent thus becomes less the one who monitors each decision than the one to whom the adolescent can turn when he needs advice, an explanation or simply an attentive ear.
This development is consistent with an essential stage of adolescence: gradually gaining autonomy. Parents remain essential, but their role is changing.
This obviously does not mean that periods disappear.
“Teens thrive when they feel confident, but they also need to understand what matters in your family and why“, recalls the child psychiatrist.
Is your teenager distancing himself? It’s not necessarily a rejection
This is probably one of the most reassuring messages for parents: a teenager’s distancing does not necessarily mean that they no longer love you or want you.
“They’re supposed to move away. It’s not a rejection,”
recalls Dr. Willough Jenkins in his list.
The adolescent gradually seeks to build his own identity, to make decisions for himself and to give more space to his relationships with his friends. This distancing is part of developing one’s autonomy.
But be careful not to confuse respect for your space with parental withdrawal.
“Your silence can be experienced as abandonment”
This is one of the other strong points of the child psychiatrist’s message.
Faced with a teenager who seems closed off, some parents end up no longer asking questions. They tell themselves that we must respect his need to be alone and wait for him to return spontaneously.
However, according to Dr Willough Jenkins, this strategy can sometimes be misinterpreted.
“Parents often withdraw when teens become moody or distant, thinking they need space,”
she explains. But if the parent “stops reaching out altogether,” the teen may end up feeling like he or she has been forgotten.
His advice is therefore paradoxical: leave space without disappearing.
Even if the teenager does not respond immediately, she encourages parents to continue to check on them, send a message, knock on their door or suggest a little shared moment.
These small gestures that maintain the bond
No need, however, to turn every interaction into a big conversation about emotions.
A snack offered after class, a few minutes in the car, a walk, a message sent during the day or simply watching a series together can be enough to maintain a connection.
In her list, the child psychiatrist recalls in particular that “one-on-one time always counts” and that adolescents can feel judged by their parents, even when they simply think they are giving them advice.
The challenge therefore sometimes consists of being available without questioning, listening without immediately correcting and advising without trying to control everything.
Be present without suffocating
Dr. Willough Jenkins’ message is ultimately not about asking parents to become more permissive. Rather, it invites us to accept that the parent-child relationship must evolve with age.
A child needs more to be shown how to do things. A teenager gradually needs to be trusted to try, make mistakes and start again.
The parent therefore does not disappear. He changes place.
And sometimes, behind a “leave me alone” or a slamming door, the message is not “I don’t need you anymore”, but rather: “I need to distance myself while knowing that you are still there”.