Children spend a large part of their day at school. Their school teacher quickly becomes an important person in their daily life. However, the pedagogy or behavior of the latter may not be unanimously agreed upon, particularly among parents. This is what is happening to Céline. At 4 years old, her daughter Elisa likes to move. It’s hard for her to sit still in class. And very often, after class, the teacher complains about her behavior to her mother. Céline believes that Elisa is still young and that it is up to the teacher to adapt by offering more varied activities. The relationship between the two women is tense.
Disagreement with the mistress: a reminiscence of his own story
“Sometimes parents’ criticism is relevant. And sometimes, when they are repeated, they can be a sign of an unpeaceful relationship that the parents themselves had with the school when they were younger. This rekindles psychological wounds. We can then be on the defensive and react in a more virulent manner” explains Jean-Luc Aubert, psychologist and author of Understanding the Child, Understanding the Student, published by Nathan.
For example, if the parent was a bad student, they may overinvest in their child and hope for success by proxy. If the child is experiencing academic difficulties, the parent may feel that the teacher is not providing everything he should to the child to ensure his success. Conversely, a parent who was a good student may have difficulty conceiving that their offspring is not. And there again, he can, despite himself, blame the teacher.
The psychologist then advises reflect on your own history to gain perspective on present facts and calm your anxieties. “Awareness is essential because parents often do not realize that the problem comes from a relationship that they themselves experienced and which has not healed well. Asking questions is already taking a first step towards getting out of disagreements with the teacher.“, continues Jean-Luc Aubert.
Disagreement with the teacher: establishing a climate conducive to learning
Parents and teachers have every interest in moving in the same direction. Maintaining hostility towards the teacher is, in fact, particularly harmful for the childespecially if he hears the criticism and it is frequent.
“This discredits the teacher. The child will attach less importance to his words and will be less attached to him. When he has confidence with a teacher, it contributes to his psychological serenity. He does not develop a defensive process. He is then more receptive and can learn better“, analyzes the psychologist.
Better then pay attention to how you transmit these messages to your child. We can thus say “I think that… but after all it’s another way of doing things“. As far as possible, the speech must therefore remain neutral.
Accept reality and dialogue with the teacher
The parent must also accept that reality does not correspond to their expectations. The teacher may have a different way of doing things than what he hoped for, but he has the right to have his own pedagogy, his habits, his rules… We must therefore not project an idealized vision of the lessons or of the teacher at the risk of being disappointed. The parent must therefore agree not to control everything even if it concerns his offspring;
and the teacher to listen to the comments of people who know her student better than anyone else.
To find this common ground and avoid making the relationship sour, it must be discussed calmly. “The teacher is not necessarily aware of his way of doing things. We must open the discussion, be open to negotiation. Otherwise, a climate of tension risks setting in and no one would benefit from it.“, warns the psychologist.
The intervention of the director can also make it possible to have a third party to facilitate dialogue and find solutions.. “This must be done in the presence of the teacher because this initiative is not done against him but for the child. It’s not the person that’s the problem, but the way they act. The parent must also understand that perfection does not exist. He must accept that his child will be confronted with imperfection because he will have to face it during his life. It also educates him“, specifies the expert.
We must also put things into perspective: the child will probably change teachers the following year. And if the disagreement persists, it is possible to express the wish for a change of class or establishment.