Whatever high school you attended, and whatever decade, one thing is immutable for each of us: the memories, joys, sorrows or difficulties encountered during those years shaped something. And sometimes put us in a box. The cool guy, the intellectual, the rebellious girl, the discreet one, the one that no one noticed… A not always simple period that we would like to be fleeting. And yet. Who we were in high school can sometimes impact us throughout life. But why?
A period when the perspective of others becomes essential
“High school, the end of adolescence, is a very important period in the construction of oneself, particularly in terms of identity,” explains Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist.
At this stage of life, the body changes, sexuality takes a new place, friendly and romantic relationships develop. At the same time, adolescents gradually move away from childhood models and their parents to seek new benchmarks among their peers.
“We all have a place in it, not always a positive one…”recalls the psychologist.
The group then becomes a real mirror. “We gradually inscribe who we are based on what others tell us. Social experience can then become a definition of ourselves.”
And when this mirror reflects a negative image, the consequences can be particularly strong. Harassment, mockery, humiliation, physical complexes, feeling of being excluded…”This can leave very stubborn narcissistic wounds.”
Conversely, being valued by others can help build confidence and a sense of belonging.
For Amélie Boukhobza, this question refers above all to the fundamental need to belong. And this famous mirror can have a lasting influence on the way we perceive ourselves.
When high school becomes a model for our adult relationships
But why, then, can a remark heard at 15 still affect us years later? In a well-established life?
Because certain adolescent experiences can become real models for reading social relationships. The work of Mitch Prinstein, professor of psychology and neuroscience, shows that we can continue to interpret certain adult situations through what we learned during our adolescence.
A person who has been regularly rejected may, for example, become very attentive to signs that seem to confirm that they are not wanted or appreciated. An unanswered message or a forgotten invitation can take on disproportionate importance.
And these injuries can sometimes continue to influence self-image long after leaving the facility.
But our label is not set in stone
This is probably the most reassuring part: we are not meant to remain who we were at 15.
“Fortunately, we are not doomed to become the adult version of the teenager we were.”
When leaving high school, the scenery changes. The groups are less imposed, the meetings more chosen. We discover new environments, new people and new ways of being.
“We can be looked at differently. A new perspective which can displace the one we had on ourselves and call into question a place we thought we had acquired forever.”
A former “intellectual” may thus discover that she is perfectly at ease in her professional environment. Someone who felt rejected can find, as an adult, a group in which they finally feel accepted. And someone who needed to be constantly admired can learn to build themselves without systematically seeking approval.
Identity therefore continues to shift. A fact to remind high school students, as well as adults, who are left with a bitter aftertaste of their adolescence.
Link quality matters more than popularity
Another reassuring fact: it is not necessary to have been surrounded by a multitude of friends in high school to build a fulfilling social life.
Some research even shows that simply having one or two close friends as a teenager can have a protective effect on future relationships. And so, being popular or not at this time in no way defines your success in life.
For Amélie Boukhobza, the main thing is above all not to reduce a person to the place they occupied in the group:
“Identity is not a single version, nor fixed, it continues to be constructed through experiences and encounters.”
An idea which also allows us to look more gently at the teenager we once were.
What if we stopped defining ourselves through the eyes of our 15 year olds?
Sometimes there remains something of the high school student that we were. Shyness, a way of seeking approval, a fear of judgment or, on the contrary, a need to show that we have succeeded.
To free ourselves from it, it can be useful to identify the little phrases that continue to define us: “I’m not interesting”, “I’m not popular”, “I’m not handsome enough”, “I have to make others laugh to be liked”, “I’m not made for this group”…
Then to ask yourself: who thinks that today? Me… or the teenager I was?
Because high school may have helped build our identity, but it is only one stage.
Identity is transformed through encounters, experiences and choices in life.
So, perhaps the best way to make peace with our school past is not to forget the high school student that we were, but to understand that it never had the last word on the adult that we have become.