Crisis at the supermarket, slamming door, screaming in the room… Many parents find themselves helpless in the face of their child’s anger. In these moments, the adult’s reaction can contribute to increasing tension or, on the contrary, help the child regain calm. A simple sentence can then serve as a starting point to defuse the crisis.
Jeffrey Bernstein’s phrase to calm an angry child
This formula is proposed by the American psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein, cited by the specialized media Psychology Today. It can be translated as follows: “I know you’re angry, I’m here to help.”
The idea is simple: rather than immediately asking the child to calm down, the parent begins by recognizing what he or she is feeling. The child thus understands that his emotion is heard, that he is not alone in what he is going through and that he is not judged.
Say “I know you are angry, I am here to help you” allows you to meet several needs at the same time. Instead of saying “calm down” or “don’t yell,” the parent puts words to the emotion while maintaining a reassuring presence.
The goal, however, is not to make the anger disappear immediately. Rather, it is about helping the child gradually regain their abilities to manage what they feel. This approach is similar to what specialists call co-regulation: the adult helps the child to regulate an emotion that he or she cannot yet manage alone.
Why this sentence can help the child calm down
During a big tantrum, the child has more difficulty reasoning, listening to explanations or taking a step back. A calm voice that recognizes their emotion and reminds them that an adult is present can then provide a reassuring cue.
Research on emotional regulation shows that the way parents respond to their child’s emotions plays a role in how their child gradually learns to manage them. When the adult remains calm and welcomes the emotion, they can help the child develop their own regulation skills.
This does not mean, however, that you have to accept everything. Recognizing anger is not the same as validating all behaviors. A parent can perfectly accommodate emotion while maintaining a clear boundary: “I see you are very angry, but I can’t let you hit.”
Adapt the sentence to the age of the child
With a toddler in the middle of a tantrum, it’s best to get down on their level, speak softly and use simple words. At this age, the child does not yet have the same abilities to understand and express what he feels. A calm presence can then be more effective than a long explanation.
At school age, children generally identify their emotions better, but may still need help from an adult to regulate them. The sentence shows him that he is heard while reminding him that he can count on his parent.
With a teenager, the same approach can be adapted to better respect their need for autonomy. A simple “I see you’re angry. I’m here if you need me” allows you to remain available without giving the impression of wanting to control the situation.
This sentence is obviously not a miracle solution and will not make all seizures disappear in a few seconds. It can nevertheless help the parent to adopt a more peaceful posture: recognize the emotion, remain calm and maintain a reassuring environment.
And if the child hits, puts himself or someone else in danger, the priority of course remains to protect him and stop the dangerous behavior. Once the situation has calmed down, it will then be possible to look back on what happened and look for another way to express anger together.