In California, a single father gave up everything to devote himself to the education of his daughter, to the point that at 11 years old she already graduated from a higher education establishment with two diplomas. A former trial lawyer in San Bernardino, he reorganized his entire daily life around it. Behind this extraordinary journey, a simple rule that he describes as a non-negotiable parental rule: the child comes first, the rest comes later.
For Rafael Perales, 51, this rule is summed up in one sentence: “The children go first. She comes first, including me. I’m pretty far down the list of important things“. Her daughter, Alisa Perales, graduated in May with two degrees in mathematics and general science from Crafton Hills College, in Yucaipa, where she entered at age 8.
She is now due to attend the University of California, Riverside to study computer science, with the idea of later working in tech. This story highlights what “children first” actually means, and how far it can go.
Rafael Perales: when “children first” becomes a rule of life
Rafael Perales left his full-time job as a lawyer when Alisa was 1, while his eldest son, now in his thirties, had already left home to become an apprentice plumber. Seeing his little one master the alphabet and count by hundreds, he said to himself that individual support could change everything.
The choice “became quite easy“, he says. The family sometimes struggled financially, living mainly on the rent of a commercial premises purchased thanks to a “modest inheritance” from his parents, but he remains convinced that devoting himself to Alisa was “the right thing to do”.
So he was homeschooled. At 2 years old, Alisa could read on her own. Rafael Perales has built a very structured schedule: classes and homework from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., five days a week. His dual role as father and teacher helped him prevent her from “acting too stupid”, while remaining careful not to overload her. “We weren’t that different from a public school in the amount of work. But we were, I think, more productive“, he explains.
A non-negotiable parental rule that structures everyday life
Prioritizing Alisa did not mean sacrificing any childhood. After school, she often took her scooter to visit friends in the neighborhood. Most often on Wednesdays, he took her to Disneyland in Anaheim as a weekly “slipper”. The vacations also served as a learning ground, from the Grand Canyon to Mount Rushmore, to talk about history and geography.
Even today, as she prepares to go to UC Riverside, Rafael Perales plans to drive with her and wait on campus during her classes. To those who ask him if he will work again, he replies: “Yes, I could slow down and relax with a 9-5 one day. But not now.”
Researchers confirm that strong parental involvement can help. A 2011 study conducted by Brown University and the University of North Carolina at Greensboro showed that children whose parents are invested in schooling generally perform better.
Other work indicates that parents who set aside time for learning activities at home promote better test scores and increased motivation.
Prioritize your child without forgetting yourself: the warning from psychologists
The American Psychological Association, however, points out that parents who completely forget themselves are at risk of burnout and other mental health problems.
Psychologist Tovah Klein sums up the issue differently. “OIt can almost always be said that less is more for children. They just want to be with you.”. For this director of the Barnard College Center for Toddler Development, “it’s always the quality of the relationship and the quality of the interactions” that matters, more than the amount of hours spent together.
Rafael Perales’ story shows a radical version of the “children first” rule. Many parents could keep the idea of quality time, without completely erasing their own needs.