“Clean your room”, “put down your phone”, “go study”… For many parents, these phrases come back over and over again, sometimes dozens of times a day. And opposite, the teenager rolls his eyes, drags his feet or no longer responds. A psychologist specializing in adolescence, however, offers a simple method to get out of this standoff: stop repeating.
This specialist is the psychologist Rocío Ramos-Paúl, known in particular for the show “Supernanny”. In her column “Atrévete”, broadcast by the Spanish media Cadena Dial, she was interested in what annoys adolescents the most about their parents. His response: “Let them repeat things to you 1,000 times and watch you”. For her, it is therefore not only the rule that poses a problem, but the repetition and permanent control. His method is based more on a clear framework, consequences announced in advance and… fewer words.
Why repeating a thousand times can annoy teenagers
In the family’s daily life, the same requests sometimes end up running in a loop: “Turn up”, “study”, “set the table”, “put away your cupboard”… In the family’s daily life, Rocío Ramos-Paúl describes this accumulation as a form of “permanent surveillance”, in a period where conflict can already be very present.
Eventually, the adolescent no longer necessarily hears the initial request. Above all, he may have the feeling of being controlled or of not being considered sufficiently autonomous. Enough to further fuel tensions.
The psychologist’s method: welcome before recalling the rule
First reflex to change: the introduction to the subject. Rather than starting the evening with a new remark about the bedroom, homework or the telephone, the psychologist advises simply asking your teenager: “Good evening, how was your day?”
And this, “regardless of whether he’s slumped on the couch, hasn’t tidied up, or isn’t studying.”she specifies.
The goal is not to abandon the rules, but to not turn every exchange into a call to order. Rocío Ramos-Paúl invites parents to “hold on with a smile”believing that “adults are more capable of remaining in this position than adolescents are.”.
Clear rules and consequences announced in advance
Once calm has returned, it’s time for the setting.
For the psychologist, the rules must be simple, known in advance and accompanied by clearly announced consequences.
She gives the example of homework: “You must study and stick to your study time every day. Otherwise, you will have to do it on the weekend, during the time you go out with your friends.”.
The idea is not to improvise a punishment out of annoyance. The teenager knows what is expected of him and what will happen if he does not follow the agreement. There
negotiation also keeps its place: for Rocío Ramos-Paúl, it is “fundamental in communication with our adolescent children”.
Three reminders, then we stop talking
This is probably the hardest part for parents: not repeating it over and over again.
Rocío Ramos-Paúl recommends repeating the instruction briefly, up to three times, then letting the teenager make his choice. If the rule is not respected, the intended consequence applies, without another long speech.
“Your mission now is to apply them, but you must allow your teen to choose what to do”she explains, before emphasizing the importance of remaining silent.
A way to get out of the parent-adolescent duel: fewer reminders, less endless negotiations and more responsibilities left to the young person. As the psychologist summarizes,
“we got rid of the thousand times that annoy them” and we gradually allow the adolescent to learn to manage the rules of daily life on their own.