When a new partner spends a good part of the first dinner talking about how terrible their previous stories were, many may be tempted to think that they simply met a man unlucky in love. In 2025, the author Katja Lewina said in Die Welt
the story of Jasmin, who fell in love with a man who seemed perfect, especially with his children, before discovering that what she thought she knew about him had turned out to be “one big lie”.
In this type of story, a short phrase comes up regularly:
“All my exes were crazy.”
At first glance, it may simply reflect a bad romantic experience. But when it becomes the common thread of the entire story, it can also reveal a particular way of managing conflict and responsibility.
The real warning signal is therefore not the isolated sentence. This is what it says about how this person talks about all their past relationships.
“All my exes were crazy”: why this sentence resonates
A breakup rarely involves just one person. Even when a relationship has been particularly difficult, there is usually a history, interactions, misunderstandings, and shared responsibilities.
Systematically presenting all his former partners as jealous, manipulative, unstable or “crazy” allows, on the contrary, to construct a very simple story: he would be the victim, they would be the ones responsible.
It is this absence of nuance that can be of concern.
Specialists in toxic relationships particularly emphasize the importance of the ability to recognize one’s own responsibility in conflicts. A person may obviously have experienced a relationship with a manipulative, violent or deeply destructive partner. But if, in all his stories, the scenario is identical and he never has anything to reproach himself for, it is worth observing.
As with other signs of a toxic relationship, it is therefore above all the repetition and accumulation that should attract attention.
The problem: when he is never responsible for anything
Imagine that after a few dates, your partner tells you several of his old stories. Each time, the scenario is identical: his ex was jealous, then another was “completely crazy”, a third was manipulative… He, on the other hand, always seems to have suffered the situation.
This functioning can reflect a form of disempowerment: rather than thinking about what went wrong in the relationship, all the fault is attributed to the other.
An interesting clue then consists of listening to what he says when we simply ask him: “And you, what could you have done differently?”
Does he recognize an error? Is he talking about something he would like to understand better? Is he able to recognize the qualities of his former partners despite the breakup?
Or does he always answer that they were the problem?
The difference is important. Being able to recognize your own mistakes does not mean denying what you have suffered. This simply shows that we are capable of looking at a relationship with a minimum of perspective.
What if this sentence also served to make you doubt others?
In certain situations of domestic violence, the systematic denigration of former partners can take on another dimension.
On the Swiss site ViolenceQueFaire.ch, specialists were questioned in particular about the case of a violent man who presented his former partners as “crazy” to his new partner.
The mechanism can be particularly worrying: by discrediting former partners in advance, it becomes easier to reject their possible testimonies.
If one of them one day tries to warn the new partner, she may then think: “She is crazy too”, since this explanation has already been provided to her.
This is one of the reasons why systematic ex-bashing can become a real red flag when accompanied by other worrying behaviors.
When the little phrase becomes a tool of influence
So the problem is not saying bad things about an ex. A breakup can be painful, conflicting and leave a lot of resentment.
What should be more interesting is when all the women before you are presented as problematic and you are gradually invited to adopt this same view of them.
The mechanism can then become particularly insidious. You start by thinking that you are different. “With me it will be different.” Then, when a conflict arises, you may be tempted to ask yourself if you too are not “too sensitive”, “too jealous” or “too complicated”.
In certain situations of domestic violence, this process of devaluation and questioning can contribute to control. But again, a single sentence is obviously not enough to establish that a person is violent or manipulative.
Questions to ask yourself if you hear this phrase
If your new partner explains to you that “all his exes were crazy”, there is no need to immediately jump to conclusions. You can just listen to the rest.
- Is he able to talk about his relationships with nuance?
- Does he recognize his own mistakes?
- Can he name a quality of his former partners?
- Does he explain what he learned from his breakups?
- Does he accept that you do not share his analysis?
These questions sometimes say more than the sentence itself.
Conversely, if each disagreement becomes proof that you are “like the others”, if your emotions are systematically disqualified or if you begin to be afraid of their reactions, you must not trivialize this discomfort.
Have you ever heard “all my exes were crazy”?
At the beginning of a relationship, you can just take your time. Keep your loved ones around you, continue to see your friends and above all observe whether actions match words.
There is no need to investigate his past relationships. On the other hand, you can pay attention to the way he talks about people who are no longer there to respond.
And above all, don’t let yourself be trapped in an opposition between “his exes” and “you”. A healthy relationship doesn’t require denigrating everyone who came before in order to value the one who comes next.
If this sentence is accompanied by insults, threats, control, isolation or a fear of his reaction, it is no longer just an awkward account of his former relationships. In this case, it is better to talk to a loved one or a professional specializing in domestic violence. In case of immediate danger, contact emergency services.