Whether you’re in a bad mood, going through a bad time, or your partner is annoying you for whatever reason, maybe you tend to think it shows. That the other will know how to react accordingly, or will not hold it against you. That’s what the love connection is, right? Well, not necessarily. Taking it for granted that your spouse knows what you’re going through or knows your gripes telepathically is unrealistic.
To be loved is also to feel understood
“If he really loved me, he would understand what I need without me having to explain it to him.” This belief is quite widespread among couples. And there is nothing surprising about it, according to Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist.
“Even if it is illusory, it can be understood”she explains first of all. Because being loved is not just about receiving affection. It is also having the feeling of being known, understood and recognized by others.
Who hasn’t dreamed of a partner who can spontaneously notice when something is wrong? To understand that we need to be reassured, that we are exhausted or that we would like him to take over without having to ask?
These little touches give the feeling of being important to others… to the point of being understood almost intuitively. “It gives you the feeling of being particularly important to the other.”underlines the psychologist.
But this expectation can also become a source of disappointment. Because it assumes that our partner is attentive to us at all times, including when we do not express any needs. However, he too has his concerns, his difficulties and his emotions. So he can’t always guess what’s going on in our head.
Why doesn’t your partner always guess how you feel?
Even after twenty years of living together, one reality remains: the other remains a person distinct from us. And that’s actually a good thing! He does not have access to all of our thoughts, our emotions nor to what certain situations awaken in our personal history.
“What may seem absolutely obvious to us, what is not always so obvious to ourselves, is not necessarily so to him.” recalls Amélie Boukhobza.
Let’s take a concrete example. A woman comes home exhausted from work and hopes that her partner will understand that she needs him to take more of the slack that evening. He may notice her fatigue, but doesn’t realize how exhausted she is. He may also be preoccupied with his own problems and not understand what she expects of him.
The scenario is classic: she says nothing, believing that she shouldn’t have to ask. He didn’t react, not having understood what she needed. And she ends up resenting him, not only for not having helped her, but above all for not having guessed that she was waiting for his help.
The problem then takes on another dimension. Instead of talking about fatigue or sharing tasks, the discussion turns into questioning the other person’s feelings: if he doesn’t understand, does he really love me? Do I mean enough to him?
“The subject of the argument is no longer about what was not done, but about what this lack of reaction is supposed to say about the love of the other”summarizes the psychologist.
These little love tests that end up hurting us
By waiting for others to guess our needs, we risk increasing disappointments. Without even realizing it, we even make him take tests that he doesn’t know exist.
“We wait to see if he will notice our sadness, offer help, think of something that would make us happy… And each time he doesn’t do it, we see further proof that he doesn’t understand us. Worse, that we no longer matter, that he no longer loves us”observes Amélie Boukhobza.
However, his behavior does not necessarily reflect a lack of love. It may simply be that he did not understand what we expected of him.
The risk is then to allow a vicious circle to set in: the more disappointed we are, the less we want to formulate our requests. And the less we express them, the more we give others the opportunity to disappoint us. A request that could have been simple thus becomes a conflict over the place that each person occupies in the couple.
So would the solution be to verbalize everything? Not exactly.
Do you always have to ask for attention?
Learning to express your needs is essential in a relationship. But this does not mean that you have to ask for everything, explain everything or organize every gesture of attention yourself.
“In a couple, we can also legitimately expect the other to be attentive, to observe, to take initiatives. We don’t necessarily want to have to ask everything, explain everything, organize everything”nuances the psychologist.
The distinction is important. Expecting your partner to guess an emotion that you have never expressed is not the same thing as expecting them to take into account needs that they already know about.
If you have repeatedly explained to him that you need more support, but he systematically leaves you to handle daily tasks alone, the problem is no longer telepathy.
“If a person has to constantly remind their spouse of what they need, even though they have already expressed it several times, the problem is no longer that they cannot guess”underlines Amélie Boukhobza. “But maybe he doesn’t listen, he doesn’t take enough into account what she says to him, or he leaves all the responsibility for thinking about their life together to her.”
In other words, communication should not become a pretext for placing responsibility for the proper functioning of the couple on one person.
How can you express your needs without feeling like you’re asking for love?
Rather than waiting for your partner to spontaneously understand what is wrong, it is better to give them concrete instructions. You can, for example, say to him: “I’m really exhausted tonight. Can you take care of dinner and the kids?” Or again: “When I’m going through a difficult time, I need you to check on me and ask me how I’m doing.”
The idea is not to transform the relationship into a succession of instructions, but to allow each person to better understand the other. A clear request gives your partner the opportunity to respond, rather than leaving them guessing what you expect and setting yourself up for disappointment.
It is also useful to distinguish facts from their interpretation. Your partner didn’t notice that you were sad: that’s a fact. To conclude that he no longer loves you is an interpretation, which does not necessarily correspond to reality.
Finally, take the time to observe what happens after you express your needs. Does your partner listen to you? Is he trying to make an effort? Does he remember what is important to you? His way of reacting over time will give you more reliable indications than his ability to guess your thoughts.
As Amélie Boukhobza points out, we must therefore distinguish two situations: “Expect the other to read our thoughts, which is impossible, and expect them to take into account what they already know about us, which is a perfectly legitimate expectation in a couple.”
Because loving someone doesn’t mean guessing everything. But this involves trying to understand him, listening to him and taking his needs seriously.