“Since we had the youngest, we no longer have evenings of our own“, “You give them all your attention, there’s only one for them!”… These remarks from your partner can surprise, annoy and even worry. But is he really jealous of his own children?
When faced with parenthood, a feeling of isolation or neglect can emerge in one of the two parents. Before worrying, it is important to understand what these criticisms really hide and to analyze the way in which they are expressed. Here is the analysis of psychologist Aline Nativel Id Hammou.
Jealousy or feeling of exclusion: understanding the dynamics of the couple
Above all, we must distinguish a legitimate demand for attention from a real emotional rivalry. In the vast majority of cases, the term “feeling of neglect” is much more appropriate than that of jealousy.
“Becoming a parent will lead, according to a reactionary and completely normal logic, to a change in closeness and marital complicity. This is what we call, by a key concept in psychology, the baby clash. The baby clash is the transition from the marital couple to the parental couple. explains psychologist Aline Nativel Id Hammou.
This pivotal stage, which can last until the child is 12 months old (and sometimes reappear during subsequent births), causes profound changes. If your spouse expresses a lack, it is not a question of jealousy towards the child, but of a need to exist again within the marital couple.
On the other hand, the situation becomes problematic if your partner directly compares the love you have for your child to that which you have for him. Parental love and marital love are completely different in nature: they do not compete with each other and cannot be placed on the same scale of values.
The shock of everyday life: fatigue, mental load and frustration
The arrival of a child – or the accumulation of fatigue over the years – changes daily life drastically. Nighttime management, the distribution of household chores and parental mental workload often leave little room for privacy.
In addition, during pregnancy and the months following childbirth, a form of marital frustration can naturally set in: physical constraints, reduced libido, extreme fatigue or reduced outings.
It is essential not to feel guilty. Paying attention to your children is normal and necessary. However, hearing your partner’s frustration without lashing out helps prevent the gap from widening. The real question to ask ourselves together is not “Who is right or wrong?“, but “How can we rebalance our daily lives to find time together?“.
How to react and re-establish links within the home?
To overcome these areas of vulnerability and readjust each person’s roles, several concrete avenues should be explored:
- Communicate without judging. Welcome the feelings of others while setting clear limits. For example, you could answer: “I understand that you miss our complicity, too. But I can’t take care of our children any less. Instead, let’s find out together how to have moments together”;
- Review the distribution of tasks. Rebalancing the mental and logistical load at home is essential to free up free time. Do not hesitate to ask those around you or your family network to delegate childcare from time to time;
- Establish small daily rituals. It is not always necessary to organize big weekends for two. “Sharing a coffee in the morning, taking the time to kiss or allowing yourself 15 minutes of discussion in the evening without talking about the children helps keep the flame alive” recommends our expert;
- Consult if necessary. If the dialogue is blocked or if the desire fades, starting couples therapy or consulting a sexologist can greatly help to adjust the marital dynamic.
Be careful not to confuse discomfort and control
A feeling of neglect can be cured through dialogue and mutual listening. On the other hand, if the reproaches are accompanied by aggression, intimidation, control, threats or violence (physical or verbal), it is no longer a problem of couple balance. The safety of the parent and children should always be the top priority.
“The balance between family life and life as a couple is not a fixed state: it is a permanent movement. It is completely normal for the couple to sometimes take second place behind the needs of the children or professional imperatives. The main thing is to realize this together, to demonstrate patience, tolerance and indulgence, and to remember that parental love also flourishes thanks to the strength of the marital bond. concludes the psychologist.