When you become a grandparent, a question often comes up: should you tell your grandchildren about the periods of unemployment, illness, sometimes even war that you went through? Many are afraid of worrying them. However, these pieces of
family history do not just talk about the past: used well, they can nourish the confidence and resilience of children growing up in a world considered unstable.
For psychologists specializing in intergenerational transmissionthis sharing has real effects. “Children who know their family’s history, including its difficulties and imperfections, have higher self-esteem and better coping skills.“, explains Dr. Amy Kincaid Todey, psychologist for Todey Psychology, in Parade magazine. Research by Robyn Fivush and Marshall Duke, at Emory University and the Family Narratives Lab, also finds less stress and anxiety when children hear coherent family stories about the ordeals they have gone through.
Why telling your grandchildren about your struggles can make them stronger
For UNAFAM, transmitting family history is not limited to beautiful memories; including the brokenness helps the child understand that their family is not perfect, but that it is strong. This inscription in a lineage reinforces the feeling of belonging. The child no longer sees himself as alone in the face of current worries: he is part of a chain of people who have already faced complicated periods.
The Journal des Seniors, for example, describes grandparents who talk about war, unemployment or periods without money to show that we can overcome great fears without everything falling apart. This realism is more reassuring than an idealized past. “Grandparents are the living guardians of this story“, also says Dr. Amy Kincaid Todey. “Tell the funny stories and the difficult stories“, she recommends, because the two build the memory of the clan.
Sharing your trials without worrying: the question of dosage
The key, say the guides at the École des Grands-Parents de Neuchâtel, is to adjust the story to the age and to stay in tune with the parents. With a child of 6 or 7 years old, we will talk about a period when “money was lacking”, without getting into couple arguments. Later, we will be able to name the emotions, or the difficult choices, more, by warning the parents of what we wish to address.
For the story to be supportive, the adult needs to remain emotionally solid. If we burst into tears or settle scores out loud, the child may want to console. A simple framework can help: say what happened, what we felt, what helped (a person, a value, a social service), and what we kept from it for the future.
Concrete supports for a calming transmission
Concrete tools help us not only stay in the oral story. The École des Grands-Parents de Neuchâtel offers, for example, a photo album, a small family tree drawn together or a visit to an important place. Journal des Seniors suggests bringing these stories to life in simple rituals: the cake we prepared when money was short, the walk where we always talk about “what it was like at your age”.