Just when you thought Jules was (finally) out of your head, here you are waking up at night, sweating, thinking about him. Passing fantasy or regrets about a story not quite finished? Nostalgia, unconscious memories or current dissatisfaction, we take stock of these reasons which push you to think about him (or her), in spite of yourself.
Is it normal to think about your ex years later?
First (and good) news: thinking about your ex is a rather banal phenomenon, which does not necessarily sound the death knell for your current relationship.
“We have the right to think about people who have marked our lives, especially if they have been important. And we cannot always control it. Memories can sometimes be simply triggered by situations, places or objects that recall shared moments, without evoking nostalgia or ‘it was better before’. Amélie Boukhobza confided to us in a previous interview.
Besides, it only takes a little: a song, a perfume, or that little Italian restaurant that you loved so much… and now the old memories resurface.
“We might believe that time erases everything, but emotional memory has a very different logic.“, she explains.
4 reasons why you’re obsessed with your ex again
Still according to our psychologist expert, four reasons can justify the return of an ex in our thoughts. These are the following possibilities:
- Reason number 1. Relationships naturally leave imprints. “These are significant experiences, which sculpt our emotions and our emotional benchmarks. So, even a painful breakup doesn’t erase those moments that helped build a part of who we are.”
analyzes the expert. - Reason number 2. Sometimes current dissatisfaction brings back these memories. “A period of doubt in life, a relationship that does not meet our expectations, and our mind compares, goes back, seeks benchmarks in what it has known. Sometimes it’s almost automatic, without our knowing it. It’s a classic mechanism: faced with uncertainty, the past seems more stable, sometimes even idealized. But it’s illusory…”, confides the specialist.
- Reason number 3. There can also be the element of surprise. “An unexpected stimulus – a scent, a place – and an emotion is reactivated. The brain, without asking our opinion, reconnects the wires and restarts a memory. It’s unconscious, uncontrollable and no, that doesn’t mean we still have feelings. Simply, the brain sometimes has shortcuts which, at the time, can seem completely absurd to us.”
reveals the practitioner. - Reason number 4. Finally, thinking about your ex can be a form of nostalgia. “It’s not so much the ex itself that’s missing, but a version of ourselves: younger, more carefree or a moment in life when everything seemed simpler.” concludes Amélie Boukhobza.