You may have that colleague or partner with whom every discussion turns into a pitched battle. A simple disagreement, a banal remark, and everything explodes. In the end, you feel empty, guilty, while, for their part, nothing is ever their fault.
In these cases, psychologists speak of a high conflict personality, or HCP. Not an official diagnosis, rather a relational profile which is found at work, as a couple, as a family. The question that often comes up: how to recognize these people and protect yourself without becoming aggressive yourself?
High conflict personality: what goes on beneath the conflicts
For psychologist Daniela Silva Moura, this functioning does not come from the sky: “At the origin of this conflictual behavior: low self-esteem, a poorly resolved traumatic history, dysfunctional thought patterns where any disagreement, any contradiction with these beliefs is experienced as threatening to oneself or as a destructive and negative judgment. These are people who can seek to fill an unconscious need for control or validation through conflict. It is important to emphasize that behind this facade often hide deep suffering and vulnerabilities which sometimes have their reason for being,” she explains in the Journal des Femmes.
These profiles maintain emotional rigidity, a very black or white vision of situations. “They have difficulty managing their own frustrations, their own insecurities, increased sensitivity to criticism, difficulty self-regulating emotionally”describes Daniela Silva Moura. They then disclaim all responsibility:
“Nothing is ever their fault.” For those around him, the terrain quickly becomes undermined.
“Nothing is ever their fault“: 7 signs of daily PHC
The first sign is systematic blame: colleagues, family, system, everyone is responsible except them. Then their thinking works in “all or nothing”: you are either totally with them or against them. Third indicator, very intense emotions, with sudden anger, sometimes disproportionate to the situation. Fourth sign, the use of threats or emotional blackmail, for example repeated ultimatums.
Fifth point, these people prefer conflict to compromise: every attempt at calm discussion turns into escalation. Then comes constant criticism and widespread distrust, which eventually erode your own confidence. Finally, they almost never question themselves; the same scenarios repeat themselves, always told in the “people always do this to me” mode. “The mistake would be to let oneself be drawn into the escalation of the conflict because that is precisely what the other is looking for: to trigger intense emotional reactions in the other,” warns the psychologist.
How to protect yourself without systematically breaking the link
The challenge, when dealing with a highly conflictual person, remains to set limits while maintaining empathy. To protect yourself, Daniela Silva Moura recommends calm and firm sentences, such as “I understand that what you tell me is important to you but I prefer that we talk about it calmly” Or “I don’t think we’re ready to have this discussion, we’ll come back to it at another time when we’re calmer”. The goal is to remain factual, to refuse insults and excesses without attacking in return.
When the behavior becomes too invasive or threatening to your mental health, distance may be necessary. “It’s up to everyone to define to what extent it is crucial, to preserve their mental health and their space, to make such a radical decision,” says Daniela Silva Moura. Seeking support from loved ones, colleagues or a professional helps you take a step back, find your bearings and consciously decide on the relational framework that you still accept.