On Saturday, your grand-uncle repeated who wanted to “hear that he had” delighted “his friends during all the holidays. He also boasted of having generously financed the marriage of your cousin. Incessant remarks, always centered on money, who ended up exhausting you. What is he trying to prove? Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist, lights us up.
An external validation form
This loved one is the one who talks about money. “Who compares the prices, exhibits his expenses or underlines those of others. A behavior that can make you smile at the beginning … then annoy … and end up frankly uncomfortable”, Relates Amélie Boukhobza.
However, under this apparent demonstration of generosity, there is often a well anchored narcissistic fault.
“Often, it is not a matter of figures … But a matter of lack of lack. Lack of security, esteem, recognition. Money becomes a language. That of the value that we think we should prove. We talk about what we have … to try to fill what we feel like a void”, confirms the psychologist.
In some, this feeling of emptiness reflects a deep fear of loss.
“As if to accumulate, plan, control … allowed you to reassure yourself”, deplore the expert. “In others, the quest for status predominates. A way of saying” look at me “, when you think that without that, you are not worth much.”
And for good reason: offering a car, a house or simply talking about money in an ostentatious way, is a way of taking a position in the family hierarchy. We thus mark its territory symbolically and takes the place of chief of pack.
An almost moral relationship
Sometimes again, these anxieties overflow.
“The relationship to money becomes rigid, invasive, almost moral. As if everything was measured by the merit, work or success”, reports the specialist. While behind this false rigidity, actually sleeps a loss of bearings.
“An attempt to regain control … where everything seems uncertain. Behind the speeches too frequent on money, hides a more intimate question: what am I worth, without what I have?”, Affirms Amélie Boukhobza.
In this context, psychological support can help put words on its fear and rebuild anchored landmarks, which make sense to oneself (values, commitments, forgotten passions …).