Over time, many of us no longer bear the small (and large) defects of our spouses. Because even if love forgives, even if love forgets everything, you cannot erase from your memory this last shirt left – next to it – of the dirty laundry tray. Neither this text reminding you that at the moment “You don’t take care enough of him/“. In this context of deep aversion to the other, how to rekindle love? Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist, guides us.
A flickering relationship
Arrival of a child, financial problems, latent depression … Tensions and difficulties in the couple are common. However, when this emerging aversion devours everything in its path (your desire, his and the little attention of everyday life) it can be good to worry. Indeed, when the situation deteriorates to the point that the simple presence of the other becomes unbearable, the entire relationship risks being in danger.
This passenger disgust can indeed be the symptom of deeper discomfort, which has never been fined. A grip career, the arrival of a child or even the physical evolution of the other (taking or weight loss, baldness …) are all details that are not. Far from being harmless, this “permeated” emotional climate can truly affect the couple’s (however solid) daily life. Confidence, benevolence and even respect for others can thus be undermined.
So many issues – and tensions – which must put the chip in your ear.
“It is a sentence that often returns to consultation. Not by wickedness or selfishness, but because after twenty or thirty years of common life, something has moved. It is not necessarily that the other has changed. It is also that we may no longer be exactly the same”, specifies Amélie Boukhobza.
Nevertheless, it is not a question here of judging, nor of deciding too quickly.
“You should listen to what this rejection tells. Because we do not go from a deep attachment to permanent irritation without reasons “, she continues.
What does this couple rejection say?
It often happens that small hassles and frustrations take over.
“Often, it is the accumulation. Small annoyances that have become great tensions. Disappointments killed for too long. Revolving that we thought harmless, but which, by force, make noise”, reveals the expert.
Sometimes again, it is an existential fatigue. “”That of a woman who held everything. Strong, available, patient. And who, one day, does not happen. And sometimes it is a desire to meet. Because by dint of composing, doing with it, we got a little lost. And the one we loved becomes the mirror of this fatigue “, says the practitioner.
Finally, the major stages of life that upset are to be taken seriously.
“The departure of children. Retirement. A mourning. A disease. A change in rhythm that brings out new questions … or old anger”, specifies Amélie Boukhobza.
In this context, what to do?
It all depends on what we want to understand.
“Is this rejection a rupture signal? Or a call to transform yourself? Is it really him that we can no longer bear? Or what we have become by his side? What is certain is that there is no fatality. But there are choices. Choosing to talk about it. To dare to name things. Getting out of polite silence, routine … including a couple therapy”, admits the psychologist.
Other times again, “You have to go through a real learning of what is called (a little quickly) ‘Communication'”. And sometimes again, by separation. When the link went to the end of what he could offer and the wisest, the most dignified is perhaps to leave … without hatred “, concludes Amélie Boukhobza.