It is often not the argument that damages a couple, but the sentences exchanged in the middle of a storm. Psychologists John Gottman and Julie Gottman followed more than 3,000 couples for up to 20 years and showed that the way you talk during times of tension predicts the longevity of a relationship much better than the amount of conflict. Good news: a few very simple formulations can change everything.
For psychotherapist Amy Morin, author of 13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don’t Dothese key words do exist: these are six phrases that successful couples use on a daily basis. “If you and your partner use these phrases regularly, it’s a sign that you are already a mentally strong couple“, explains Amy Morin to CNBC Make It.
Why these 6 phrases work
For Amy Morin as for researchers at The Gottman Institute, the golden rule of couple communication is to clearly say what is happening within yourself rather than attacking the other. “Your mission is to allow yourself to be vulnerable, to transform attack and defense into self-disclosure and openness“, write John Gottman and Julie Gottman for CNBC Make It.
The six phrases identified by Amy Morin encourage exactly this movement: assume your needs, recognize your mistakes, seek cooperation. “Acknowledging your mistakes and being honest about your needs can help you become stronger together“, explains Amy Morin.
“When you take responsibility for your part, you increase the chances that your partner will take responsibility for theirs too“, she said.
The 6 phrases of successful couples
First think about how to initiate a sensitive topic. Say calmly “I’m going to tell you something that may be hard to hear“prepares the other for dialogue instead of surprising them. In the midst of stress, formulate”I need your support right now” Or “Can I have a hug?” signals to your partner that you are overcome with emotion rather than angry with him or her.
When the other is angry or sad, respond “It’s understandable that you feel like this“shows that his emotion has the right to exist, even if you don’t agree. Say next”I had never seen things like that” Or “I’m sorry for my part in this“open the door to one”Let’s look for a solution” for two.
Adopt these 6 phrases every day
There is nothing magical about these sentences; they require practice. It is also recommended to carry out a regular “relationship check-up”.
Testing one or two of these non-conflict formulations helps you stay yourself while strengthening the bond.