Are you always there for others, are you helpful and do you avoid arguments? However, your relationships often remain on the surface and you have few really close friends. This paradox can be destabilizing. And yet: being very nice is not enough to create deep connections.
Why do very nice people sometimes have few close friends?
Saying yes when you would like to say no, avoiding upsetting others, keeping to yourself what is wrong… These habits may seem benevolent. But when they become systematic, they can also complicate relationships.
First difficulty: limits. The very kind person easily agrees to help, checks in regularly and puts the needs of others before their own.
Over time, relationships can become unbalanced. She gives a lot, sometimes receives less and ends up lacking the time or energy to maintain a few truly reciprocal friendships.
Another difficulty: avoiding disagreements. If you never dare to say no or express what you think for fear of offending someone, it may be difficult for the other person to know what you really feel.
And this also applies to emotions. Never showing your worries, your annoyances or your fragilities can give the impression of a pleasant relationship, but not necessarily very intimate. To get closer, you also need to be able to show a little of yourself.
What do studies say about the importance of friendships?
The importance of friendships is about more than just feeling not alone. A study published in 2021 in the journal Frontiers in Psychologydedicated to the importance given to friendship in different countries, analyzed the responses of 323,200 people in 99 countries, using data from the World Values Survey.
The researchers observed that placing more importance on friendship was associated with better perceptions of one’s health and a higher level of well-being. This does not mean that the lack of friends directly causes poorer health, but highlights the importance that social connections can have in daily life.
In the United States, the Center for Research on American Life also reported in 2021 that 16% of adults relied on their friends for important support.
Another study of 519 women conducted by the University of Central Florida and published in the Journal of Mental Health and Social Behavior was interested in the link between personality and intimacy in friendships. It suggests that more introversion and emotional reserve are associated with friendships perceived as less intimate.
How to stay kind without forgetting yourself?
The goal here is to find a balance. You can still be a caring person while setting boundaries and speaking your mind.
Start simple. Refuse a request when you don’t want to, without launching into a lengthy justification. Express disagreement when something bothers you. And sometimes dare to share a worry or a small fragility with a trusted person.
These small changes also allow you to see how the other person reacts. A close relationship is not only based on services rendered or good times: it also leaves room for needs, disagreements and emotions on both sides.
If loneliness becomes heavy or you have the feeling that you are always reproducing the same relational patterns, talking about it with a psychologist can help you understand what is happening and find new ways to create connections.