Have you made peace with your past, are you emotionally available and ready to start a new story? And yet. The encounters you meet do not satisfy you and do not excite you. Have you become difficult? According to experts, if there is disillusionment, it may be time to ask yourself questions about your selection criteria.
Having one type of man (or woman) does you a disservice
In reality, it is likely that over time and through your experiences and even your disappointments, you have forged an ideal type of partner. Whether it’s based on physical criteria (“I’ve always preferred very dark men”) or what they represent (“I’m looking for someone with ambition”). However, even if you’re sure of yourself, searching desperately for a guy could be counterproductive.
While it is of course important to have criteria and look for qualities that you find important in the other person, it also happens that our “defined” type prevents us from truly finding a fulfilling and lasting relationship. First of all, because appreciating qualities does not mean that they are always compatible with you.
“If you have developed a certain type of person who is obviously incompatible with you, but you continue to impose it, you will always get the same results”assures Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, professor of relational and sexual communication in Women’s Health magazine.
Let’s take the example of an ambitious partner… who doesn’t devote any time to you. This may not suit you. So, staying focused on your criteria (which haven’t always worked so far) can prevent you from seeing what would really suit you.
Practice open-mindedness!
The solution would therefore be found, not in denying everything that matters to you (empathy, good humor, romanticism, etc.), but in leaving the door open to other criteria.
“By limiting ourselves to a small sample of the population that fits our ideal, we miss out on other growth-oriented relationships that might challenge us, reveal new facets of our personality, and allow us to access new levels of intimacy.”estimates Julie Nguyen, relationship coach in Very Well Mind magazine.
The coach invites us to go beyond what we think are our criteria to discover our “true type” and let ourselves be surprised. To do this, she recommends several exercises.
- Date new people who don’t match your criteria perfectly, if only for the experience, claims the coach. “This allows you to break out of your ruts and is generally a great learning opportunity”;
- Ask people you trust for their opinions. Your friends often see patterns in your love life that you may not see. Ask them for their opinions on people you’ve dated in the past. What they observed and the qualities you should prioritize in the future;
- Write a whole new list of your types stating how you want to feel around them, how you want to be seen by them, and the healthiest version of a relationship you can imagine;
- Have fun on your dates. Avoid going into appointments in CV mode, where you check boxes. And don’t exclude someone based on your criteria or because they’re not passionate about your niche hobbies;
- Practice mindfulness
by being attentive to the people you are attracted to and the reasons that motivate them. When you’re dating someone, be mindful of who you’re attracted to and why. See why you automatically reject certain people and if you are too strict on your criteria; - Review your conditions sine qua non. Some deal breakers are valid depending on the lifestyle you want to lead. But try to relax about other details like height, age, education or job title. “You might find someone amazing by broadening your filters”;
- Work on your attachment style. Engaging in self-work and therapy can help track patterns. And to cultivate healthier behaviors.