You are in a relationship, committed, rather happy, and yet this colleague or friend occupies your thoughts a little too much. This little thrill, this message that you reread, you call it a crush, a passing love at first sight, but a question remains in the background: does this damage your romantic relationship or is it just human?
Several research teams in North America have followed hundreds of young couples who already admitted to having had a crush on someone else. Their objective: to see if this type of attraction, which psychologists call “extra-dyadic attraction”, ends up reducing satisfaction in the couple over the months. The results strongly qualify the idea of a crush being harmless or, conversely, necessarily destructive.
Having a crush when you’re in a relationship: a common (and often discreet) phenomenon
In scientific language, a crush corresponds to a “romantic or sexual attraction to someone with whom one has never been involved, and with whom one has not attempted to connect“, outside of one’s official partner. Two studies cited by Lucia F. O’Sullivan and colleagues indicate that 47 to 70 percent of adults in monogamous relationships have felt such an attraction to someone else at least once in their married life.
Another research, carried out among 542 people aged 22 to 35 in an exclusive relationship for at least three months, shows that these crushes are far from isolated: 24.2% have fallen for two other people, 14.7% have had three crushes and 27.1% have even had four or more crushes. In other words, almost 70% of partners are unaware of these attractions, and a little more than 38% of crushes involve a colleague. Over a few months of follow-up, only around 3% of respondents said they had taken the plunge and cheated on their partner with this crush.
Couple crush and decline in relationship satisfaction: when the risk increases
To find out if having a crush when you’re in a relationship ends up undermining the relationship, Lucia F. O’Sullivan, Charlene F. Belu and Lucia Tramonte conducted a longitudinal study published in the journal Personal Relationshipstitled Do Crushes Pose a Problem for Exclusive Relationships?. They recruited 567 people aged 22 to 35, living in the United States, the United Kingdom or Canada, in an exclusive relationship for at least three months and all declaring an attraction to someone other than their partner, without a romantic or sexual link with this person. Participants answered an online questionnaire at baseline, then four, six and twelve months later, on the intensity of their crush, their commitment, their romantic satisfaction and their sexual satisfaction. They received between 3 and 6 dollars for each investigation.
Of the initial 567 individuals, 172 remained in the same relationship and completed all four assessments; they were used to analyze the trajectories. On average, the intensity of the crush, rated from 0 to 8, is around 4.3 at the start and hardly changes over a year. However, researchers observe strong individual differences: for some, attraction decreases, for others it increases or remains stable. Whether the “target” stays the same or changes also plays a role. Those who keep the same crush throughout the year start at a lower intensity and tend to see it drop slightly, while those whose crush changes from one person to another start higher and increase in intensity a little. Overall, most do not see their commitment or marital satisfaction drop dramatically, even in the prolonged presence of extradyadic attraction.
- Relationships that are already unsatisfactory at the start more often see romantic and especially sexual satisfaction decline further over the months;
- A group that begins with very high crush intensity and lower commitment describes an already fragile relationship, with low romantic and sexual satisfaction that remains degraded;
- Another group, very satisfied with their relationship at the start, maintains a crush of moderate intensity but records a marked drop in romantic satisfaction over the year.
To refine these findings, the authors grouped the participants into three profiles. The “stable intensity” group, around 37% of the sample, maintained a moderate crush throughout the study, sometimes with the same person in the lead. These participants start out with the highest level of commitment and satisfaction, but see their romantic satisfaction drop significantly, while sexual satisfaction and commitment decline a bit. The “fluctuating intensity” group, almost half the sample, has low to moderate crush that drops then rises slightly, often for different people; their relationship remains of decent quality overall, with a moderate erosion of romantic and sexual satisfaction. Finally, the “quick pivot” group, around 16% of participants, begins with a very intense crush directed towards the same person and an already unsatisfactory relationship, with low commitment; their sexual satisfaction continues to weaken, and commitment slips further, even if romantic satisfaction rises slightly.
What do these studies say if you have a crush as a couple today?
To summarize their work, the researchers write: “Overall, it is possible to develop an attraction to people outside of your relationship without it leading to major negative consequences, although we cannot say this with certainty without establishing a causal link. Most of these relationships appeared to be functioning optimally or suboptimally. Clearly, some people experience extradyadic attractions that are linked to a deterioration in their relationships, primarily in terms of decreased romantic satisfaction, but also decreased commitment and sexual satisfaction.“, conclude the authors of the study. In other words, in their sample, the majority of couples monitored continue to function in a mode considered satisfactory or average, even with a lasting crush in the background, while a subgroup especially sees romantic satisfaction, sometimes sexual and commitment decline.
This work remains marked by several limitations highlighted by the authors themselves: only about a third of the initial participants completed all the surveys, which may introduce a selection bias, the responses are based on the self-assessment of only one person per couple, and the study does not allow us to say whether it is the crush that lowers satisfaction or whether a deteriorating relationship makes attraction to someone else more salient. The couples observed are young, monogamous, from the United States, the United Kingdom and Canada; other relational contexts might present different dynamics. Other work, cited by the team, sometimes shows that people with a crush implement strategies to avoid taking action, such as avoiding the person concerned, investing more in their main relationship or mentally belittling the attractiveness of the other. All of this data paints a picture where having a crush as a couple appears to be a frequent experience, often manageable, but which can also accompany or signal a drop in couple satisfaction when the romantic bond is already weakened.
1. How do I know if my crush is really putting my relationship in danger?
Observe your reactions. If you hide a lot, signal matters. Take some time to evaluate your relationship. Note what is really missing. Psychologists recommend looking at the frequency of intrusive thoughts. A crush becomes problematic when it takes you away from your partner for a long time.
2. What to do to prevent the crush from taking up too much space?
Set clear boundaries. Reduce opportunities for contact. Invest in your relationship. Create pleasant moments together. Try to “de-romanticize” the target person. Remember that idealization distorts everything. Get back to the facts. This strategy often lowers the intensity of the crush.
3. Is it useful to talk to my partner about it?
Not always. Talk about it if it affects your commitment or your emotions. Keep it gentle and concrete. Explain how you really feel about your relationship. The goal is not raw confession. An exchange focused on relational needs often strengthens the connection without creating unnecessary damage.