In the beginning of a relationship, decoding the other is a high-level sport. If some open easily, others seem to erect insurmountable barriers. You feel a connection, but as soon as it comes to being honest about feelings, the other person backs off.
As couples therapist Dr. Brooke Keels explains in an article for Very Well Mind“It’s not that they’re not interested; It’s more that they’re not comfortable with emotional closeness.” Conversely, for others, silence is not a fear, but a simple signal to disengage. So, how do we sort things out?
Understanding Avoidant Attachment Style
Attachment style is formed in childhood. If emotional needs have not been met consistently, adults learn to rely only on themselves. “People with avoidant attachment have developed behavioral patterns to manage their fears related to intimacy and dependence“, underlines Marcus Smith, clinical advisor, in the same article.
For an avoidant, intimacy is perceived as a threat to their independence. He may love you deeply, but he “chokes” when the relationship becomes too serious. He then uses defense mechanisms: humor, sarcasm, or vague answers about the future.
Inconsistency vs. Consistency: The Test of Attention
To differentiate the two profiles, observe the regularity of their behavior. Psychologist Siyana Mincheva, consulted by
True Medicalemphasizes that the difference often lies in the nature of the movement towards the other:
- The Avoidant Partner. Its behavior is cyclical. He can disappear for a few days (when the emotional pressure is too strong), then return with great tenderness. “In avoidance, the person is uncomfortable, shuts down, or minimizes, but something is moving, even in an awkward way.” explains Siyana Mincheva. You feel important, but not always a priority;
- The Selfless Partner. No roller coaster here, just a complete dish. His messages are brief, he doesn’t ask any questions about your life, and he makes no effort to arrange meetings. As Marcus Smith points out, his actions convey a clear lack of will to continue. According to Siyana Mincheva, “nothing changes, there is no curiosity, no questioning. The other person’s discomfort does not trigger anything.
Communication and emotional availability
The avoidant communicates to maintain a safe distance, but eventually responds. He may prefer to invite you to a barbecue with friends rather than a candlelit dinner to “take the pressure off.”
Conversely, someone who is not interested simply does not see the point in investing time. “The problem here is not the fear of intimacy, but the ability to maintain the connection.”
analyzes Siyana Mincheva. “In disinterest, we observe a real detachment: the person is easily replaced by work, friends or screens.
“In the case of an avoidance process, this can create doubts and frustrations in the other person. We ruminate while looking for blame on ourselves, when in reality, it is a defense mechanism in the partner” adds the psychologist.
How to react and when to leave?
If you are dealing with an avoidant, patience is essential. Here are some ideas:
- Leave space: Don’t overwhelm him with messages when he withdraws;
- Be direct: Express your needs without drama or yelling;
- Validate his feelings: Show him that being vulnerable is not dangerous.
However, as Dr. Keels reminds us, love is not always enough. If your basic needs are never met, ask yourself: Are you willing to wait for an opening that could take years to arrive? If the person shows no curiosity towards you, it’s time to protect your energy.
“It is crucial to learn to observe before committing. This allows us to distinguish the fictional from the real. If you feel that your partner cares about you but runs away as soon as you say “we need to talk”, this is probably avoidance. If your absence doesn’t seem to cause him to miss anything, it’s probably a sign of disinterest.” concludes Siyana Mincheva.