One remark too many as a couple, an email sent out of annoyance, a spat in a meeting… Certain words can leave lasting traces. In a conflict, responding immediately does not always allow you to be understood. On the contrary, anger or frustration can lead you to say hurtful words that are difficult to forget. As the German media Desired reminds us,“Once the words are spoken, they cannot be taken back.”. In certain situations, it is therefore better to take a pause before responding.
Choosing to remain silent does not necessarily mean avoiding a discussion. This silence can be voluntary and temporary: it allows you to let the other person express themselves, to think before speaking or to regain your calm. In an article dedicated to the subject, the German media Desired presents six situations in which remaining silent may be preferable: when a person needs to confide, when a secret is confided to us, in the face of grief, after criticism, when anger rises or when our ideas are not yet clear.
Strategic silence: 6 situations where it is better to remain silent
1. When someone needs to empty their bag
A friend who recounts a difficult day, a teenager who mentions a problem at school or a colleague who expresses his frustration does not necessarily expect an immediate solution. Before giving advice, sometimes it is better to listen until the end. A simple “I’m listening to you” or “Take your time” can be enough to show availability. This attitude is consistent with the principles of active listening, which consists of paying real attention to what the other person is expressing.
2. When you are told a secret
A confidence is based on trust. Repeating it, even without bad intention, can weaken a relationship and hurt the person who committed it. In this case, remaining silent allows you to respect your word and preserve the bond. This discretion applies both in the private sphere and at work, particularly when sensitive information is communicated to us.
3. Faced with a bereaved person
When a loved one loses someone, finding the right words is often difficult. Ready-made formulas, such as “You will get over it” or “You have to be strong”, can give the feeling of minimizing your pain, even if they come from a good intention. It is not necessary to fill every silence. Being present, offering coffee or simply listening can provide valuable support. The main thing is to respect the needs of the bereaved person, without imposing their own way of grieving.
4. When you receive criticism
A negative remark can be difficult to hear, especially when it seems unfair to us. The first instinct is sometimes to justify yourself or to respond in the same tone. However, taking a few seconds before reacting helps to better understand what we are being accused of. Once the emotion has subsided, it becomes easier to ask for a concrete example or clarification, rather than transforming criticism into a confrontation.
5. When anger rises
This is one of the situations where silence can be particularly helpful. In anger, we risk saying hurtful words that we will later regret. In a couple, a discussion that escalates can leave its mark long after the argument has ended. Taking your distance for a few moments allows the tension to ease before resuming the exchange. You still need to warn your interlocutor:
“I’m too upset to talk about it calmly. I’d rather take a break and resume this discussion later.”
6. When ideas are not yet clear
It is not always necessary to respond immediately. During a meeting, a delicate conversation or a disagreement, taking the time to think helps avoid impulsive reactions and approximate responses. We can simply say: “I need to think about it before I answer you.”
This time to step back helps to distinguish what we feel from what we really want to express.
Why staying silent at the right time can help defuse a conflict
When emotions become intense, it can be more difficult to step back and control your reactions. The brain mechanisms involved in threat detection and emotion regulation then interact with those involved in thinking and decision-making. In these circumstances, continuing a discussion at all costs is not always constructive.
Psychologist John Gottman, specialist in couple relationships, recommends taking a break when partners are too agitated to communicate calmly. A delay of at least 20 minutes is often recommended to allow physiological activation to decrease. However, this is not a universal duration: the important thing is to resume the conversation when everyone is calm enough to listen and respond without aggression.
Be careful, however, not to confuse this pause with punitive silence. Deliberately ignoring the other person to make them suffer, cutting off all contact or permanently refusing to talk about a problem can deteriorate the relationship. Strategic silence must remain temporary and not serve to systematically avoid difficult subjects. Nor can it constitute an appropriate response to harassment, violence or discrimination, which require being able to ask for help and make your voice heard.
How to take a break without giving the impression of rejecting the other?
To prevent silence from being interpreted as indifference, it is better to explain the reason. “I really want to listen to you, tell me” allows you to let the other person speak without giving them the feeling of being ignored. At work, “Thank you for your feedback, I prefer to take a little time to think about it before responding” allows you to welcome criticism without reacting hotly.
As a couple, we can also say: “This subject is important to me. I need to take a break, but I’d like to talk about this again tomorrow. » This formulation sets a limit while confirming his desire to continue the discussion.
The objective is therefore not to systematically remain silent, but to choose the right moment to speak. Sometimes, a few moments of perspective are enough to avoid a hurtful word and preserve the quality of the relationship. It is also a way of mobilizing your emotional intelligence: recognizing your emotions, understanding those of others and adapting your reaction to the situation.