For some time now, your partner has been reminding you every other day that you “you’re not just parents”. And he’s not entirely wrong. Between laundry, children, homework and Tuesday judo-piano activities, your relationship has gradually faded behind everyday life. And if you are aware of having relegated your role as husband/wife to secondary importance, how can you reverse the trend and make up for it? Pascal Anger, clinical psychologist, guides us.
By giving everything to the child, we sometimes end up forgetting the other
From the birth of your first child, daily life is turned upside down: we want him to do well, to feel safe, peaceful, happy – often at the cost of our own needs and those of the couple. Result ? Tchoupi’s adventures quickly replaced scooter rides and other romantic evenings. The couple no longer exists, or barely exists, and this distance creates a gap between the two former lovers.
“It’s often difficult to say no to a child… and just as complicated to set a framework. The mental load is very heavy, especially for mothers. When the child is born, they are entirely absorbed by him, sometimes without realizing that they are not just parents. You also have to recover from childbirth, and that takes time”, recognizes Pascal Anger.
However, the trap can quickly close on the two young parents. It’s a sort of spiral: we are sucked in by the child, in a form of permanent fusion. But at some point you have to come out of it to find yourself. “We must not suffocate around the child. One romantic evening a week, I would almost prescribe it. Everyone does what they can, of course, but you have to rely on a nanny or family help: it’s essential.”
says the expert.
Because if we are only a parental couple, romantic ties can quickly become distended: they fade little by little, until they no longer exist except in the background. “Children should therefore not decide what is done. It is the parents who decide, with the right dosage“, recalls the psychologist.
In other words, yes to the pony club every other Saturday, but no to the family schedule permanently dictated by extracurricular activities. Preserving the balance of the couple also means accepting that not everything is centered on the child, and remembering that a secure framework is firstly built around solid, happy and aligned adults.
Create spaces for two
Finally, you will have understood: the best remedy for couples is time… together.
“In everyday life, you have to be able to create spaces and activities together. For both, communication is also central: what do we expect from these moments, what do we expect from each other? Roles evolve. But we must always be able to encourage each other and hold on.”
underlines the psychologist.
There is therefore no question here of coming up with the excuse “I don’t have time”: “even 30 minutes in the evening can be enough. The idea being to have a little quality time together. You can also meet up for lunch, drink coffee together in the morning. These micro-moments allow us to escape from the role of parent and rediscover the joy of seduction.” concludes the expert.