When a loved one learns that they have cancer, the words are jumbled. We want to reassure, encourage, make our presence felt. However, some well-intentioned words can become a burden for the recipient.
Words that hurt without wanting to
The famous “fight” Or “be strong“seems, at first glance, full of courage. But behind this injunction, there is an invisible pressure.”To say to a sick person “fight”, for example, is to put an enormous additional weight on their shoulders: that of being strong enough, combative enough, heroic enough to overcome“, explains clinical psychologist Amélie Boukhobza.
“This makes the raw reality of the illness, its unpredictability and often its injustice invisible. And creates pressure: having to smile, to hold on, not to flinch. Don’t complain too“, she continues. Behind these sentences hides the false idea that will could conquer everything, while illness does not always depend on moral strength.
“I understand”: a sentence that can hurt
Say “I understand“or comparing with the experience of a loved one may seem comforting. However, it is a common awkwardness.”Likewise, saying ‘I understand you’, which may seem empathetic, is also not okay. Because in reality, no one can fully understand what the other is going through. The experience of illness is intimate and unique. Pretending to understand is sometimes denying the complexity of what the other person is experiencing.“, underlines the psychologist.
The intention is good, but the message may minimize the person’s real suffering. As she recalls, “It’s worse than anything! Because sometimes when you’re sick, you just have the right not to be ‘not well’ and to say so!“.
How to truly support without hurting?
So, what to say? In reality, the answer can be summed up in a few words. It’s just about being there. “I’m here if you need” Or “I don’t know what to say, but I’m thinking of you” are simple, sincere and powerful sentences.
For Amélie Boukhobza, the main thing is not to find the right words, but to support without imposing. “It’s okay to not find the perfect words. What matters is not to impose emotions or scenarios. It’s about supporting others in what they’re going through, at their own pace, without trying to repair, without trying to motivate. Just be present, unconditionally“.
Sometimes a silence, a gesture or an outstretched hand are worth more than any words of encouragement.