He speaks, speaks again, and when finally comes your turn … he refocuses everything about him. At the start, it’s annoying. But when it becomes systematic, it can quickly become heavy, even toxic. This phenomenon has a name: conversational narcissism. Popularized by American psychologists, this model of behavior designates a person who does not leave room for others in verbal exchange, always refocusing the discussion on their own stories, emotions or opinions. But beware, it is not a mental disorder per se. It is a relational style that can exhaust us, and to which it is important to know how to set limits.
How to recognize a conversational narcissist in everyday life
“”A conversational narcissist focuses excessively on himself and will constantly turn the discussion towards himself in order to be able to enhance or develop his opinions“explains Brian Tierney, professor of neuroscience and psychotherapist, in the columns of Well & Good.
Unlike a “classic” narcissist, this person does not necessarily seek to manipulate, but needs to be at the center. For Professor Ben Bernstein, it is not a psychiatric diagnosis, but a recurring line, often unconscious. He notes: “The speaker tends to dominate the conversation, often ignoring the social signals indicating that the listener could be disinterested or try to contribute“.
Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist, abounds in this direction: “This behavior is manifested by a tendency to monopolize discussions, minimize or ignore the contributions of others, and to constantly bring the subject back to oneself“.
She wonders: is it a lack of personal esteem, a need for attention, or a bad habit deeply rooted? No matter, because the effects on those around them are the same: frustration, erasure, even a feeling of invisibility.
What you can do to no longer undergo the conversation
Being faced with a conversational narcissist can, in the long run, become suffocating. And when it comes to a loved one, things get complicated: it is impossible to flee from each family meal. Fortunately, there are simple and effective strategies to preserve your space.
Amélie Boukhobza recommends acting in small touches:
- Set clear limits: Gently redirect the conversation when it becomes too centered on the other;
- Ask open questions: This can push the interlocutor to get out of his own story and think about something other than himself;
- Express your needs with calm and firmness: To say that you want to share too, without accusing or dramatizing;
- Limit individual interactions: favor group meetings, where the “monopoly” effect is diluted;
- Approach the subject if the relationship is strong: “”We can say things with delicacy, but it is not guaranteed that it changes anything“Note the psychologist.
In any case, it is not a question of changing the other, but of protecting yourself. This type of behavior can be unconscious, but its consequences are very real. Being listened to is not a luxury: it is a necessity.
What if the problem came from further on?
Conversational narcissism is not always a sign of selfishness or maliciousness. As Amélie Boukhobza points out, he can hide an unposed need, even buried pain. Sometimes, the lack of listening to others is a reflection of the little listening that you have for yourself. But it is not up to you to make it the diagnosis or to carry the weight.
Whether in the office, as a couple or with friends, putting a little balance in exchanges is often the first step towards a healthier relationship. And sometimes, towards a necessary repositioning.