The drop in libido, whether it is linked to a hormonal problem, overwork, or a bad spell, can impact us all one day or another. But it’s good to know that it can also be overcome, sometimes through simple new habits, or a reminder of the essentials. This is what The Guardian set out to do in a November issue, by compiling 20 ideas from sexologists to “find your mojo”.
Remember that decreased desire is incredibly normal
“Fluctuations in desire are a natural part of the human experience, influenced by different stages of life”explains Chris Sheridan, psychotherapist and founder of The Queer Therapist in Glasgow. “We are not robots”adds Natasha Silverman, sex and relationship therapist. Proof of this is that reduced libido remains to this day one of the most common reasons for consulting a sexologist. But for professionals, there is no reason to panic, it happens in a lifetime.
Address your sources of stress
Rather than focusing on the lack of desire, try to identify what is stressing you out and try to resolve this problem if that is the case. “LExternal life stress and anxiety slow down sexual desire. If you’re stressed and overwhelmed – if you’re worried about your kids or having problems at work – it won’t be so easy to get into that mindset.” recalls Natasha Silverman.
Take a medical check-up
If the drop in libido persists and worries you, professionals advise you to consult a doctor. Anxiety, depression or other symptoms may be linked to a health problem such as menopause. Erectile difficulty can also indicate heart disease. In order to take stock of this situation, go through the consultation box.
Talk to someone outside the relationship
Find someone to confide in, experts advise. Whether it’s a friend or a professional, they can help you normalize the situation, understand why it might be happening, and remove the shame.
Find time to talk to your partner about it
When you’re ready, talk to your partner about how you’re feeling. This can be done in a therapeutic space or alone. “Your partner must already feel that something has changed.” explains Natasha Silverman, “And if you don’t talk about it with them, they’ll fill in the gaps, most likely with their own anxieties: ‘he doesn’t want to be with me anymore’; ‘she doesn’t find me attractive’; ‘Maybe there’s someone else’…” Useless ideas to add to the problem.
Singles also struggle with declining desire
It’s not just people in relationships who experience a loss of libido. Natasha Silverman confirms that she sees a growing number of singles, women, in particular, who have gotten into the habit of “downplaying their needs.” There are many myths that need to be dispelled about the G-spot and what a healthy sex life looks like, she says. Being single is a good time to discover what works for you. Enjoy it.
Determine What Desire Means to You
Society often normalizes saying yes to things thate we don’t really want to do. Or, there are multiple ways to feel desire. “Expressing our true desires and also practicing ‘no’ allows us to move towards healthy communication, characterized by negotiation and mutual consent” says Miranda Christophers, sex and relationship psychotherapist. It is therefore essential to talk together about what motivates you or not, to find a connection.
Accept that everyone does not always have the same desire for sex
And it’s not so bad, as long as you know how the other person reacts. “It’s often assumed that men want sex all the time and women want to be seduced, and that’s not the case. People express their desires in wide and diverse ways, regardless of gender. That said, men tend to experience spontaneous desire, while women are more likely to appropriate desire, depending on context.”
explain the experts. It’s up to you to deal with that.
Think about the forbidden
Against all odds, a sex ban may be a good place to start. Many therapists will encourage couples to abstain from sex and masturbation for the first time, while maintaining signs of affection, to rekindle the flame. Plus, telling someone they can’t have sex tends to be an effective way to get them in the mood.
Look back to understand
Considering past experiences, both positive and negative, can help address present issues. “Examining a client’s lifetime history of sexual reactions helps discern whether the change is a situational event or a long-standing pattern“. Past sensory experiences will potentially diminish how safe or connected we feel to our senses. It may be worth taking stock of all of this.
Rediscover non-sexual intimacy
Kissing before leaving the house or maintaining regular physical contact (a hug, a caress, etc.) can help rekindle that spark. “So when you’re back in bed, you’ve done things throughout the day that remind you that your partner still desires you sexually and is attracted to you.” say the experts.
Plan your reunion
Intimate planning isn’t for everyone, as it can make sex feel like a chore. But it can be helpful for some, especially if young children are taking up all your time. Planning an evening or a romantic date to get together with adults can help you find some real time, even when the schedule is busy. And to no longer put off your reunion until tomorrow.
Take care of yourself
Another important tip is to take your own needs and desires seriously to move forward in the relationship. It could be taking care of yourself, in the bathroom, getting back into exercise, anything that can reconnect you to your own body and repair your self-esteem.
Work on body confidence
Along the same lines, don’t minimize the impact of self-confidence. Show off yourself and, for example, wear lingerie that makes you feel sexy. This should revive some desires.
Avoid simulating
Pretending to motivate and encourage your partner is not really a good idea. “Every time someone fakes an orgasm, they’re showing their partner the wrong way to make them cum.” recalls Natasha Silverman. And aside from medical causes, there must be a way for you to achieve orgasm. It’s better to work on figuring out how than to pretend.
Diversify erotic media
Some people need to be stimulated to take action. But professionals point out that the pornography used does not need to be visual, especially since the videos often reflect male visions… Not always adequate. Other forms of eroticism are available, such as audio pornography and literature, which may well inspire you to fantasize further.
Consider raising desire
Raising desire also means using all these physical gestures together during the day, which we forget a little and which can reignite the spark. This might mean snuggling more on the couch when you watch a movie, or thinking about really kissing your partner before you leave the house.
Write down things you want to try
Sometimes writing things down rather than saying them out loud can also trigger the urge. Send messages to your partner, links or a suggestive image, or place all your ideas in a pot, which you will draw randomly in the form of a game… Can raise the temperature
Add variety to your intimate life
Oils, toys and other aids can be helpful in restoring fun and closeness after bodily changes due to menopause, the birth of a baby or other health problems. Testing new positions without pressure, for discovery can also be a good thing.
Put down your phone
Finally, if you go to bed looking at your phone more often than at your partner, put it away! “You are in bed with your partner. This is where you should feel the most relaxed, but you can’t really relax when you’re on the phone, you’re still absorbing a lot of information. You could use this time instead to not necessarily have sex, but just be quiet, hug or laugh with your partner.” confirm the experts.