Being happy as a couple can be learned! In his book The 3 secrets of couples that last published by Solar, psychoanalyst Christian Richomme reminds us that love that lasts is neither based on happy coincidence nor on perfect compatibility. On the other hand, happy couples are often those who have managed to identify their old wounds (fear of being abandoned, difficulty trusting or feeling loved, etc.). To imitate them and better understand your attachment style, the psychoanalyst shares 7 simple and concrete tools. As a result, your romantic relationship will be even more stable and peaceful!
Slow down before reacting: the rule of a few minutes
In his book, Christian Richomme reminds us that our emotional wounds often react before us. For example, an anxious person will quickly become overwhelmed by their emotions (and react too quickly), while an “avoidant” partner will shut down like an oyster (and react too late). In this situation, everyone remains a prisoner of their reflexes. The good news? It is possible to get out of this vicious circle by learning… to slow down.
By simply setting a short delay of a few minutes before speaking (and this, no matter how: breathe, walk, drink a glass of water, write a few lines, etc.), you will learn here to no longer react quickly (and to no longer confuse the present with the wounds of the past).
“It’s a simple but decisive act of emotional maturity”assures the psychoanalyst.
Putting words to your emotions
No offense to those who are silent, many conflicts arise from emotions lurking in the shadows. However, the more vague an emotion remains, the more space it takes up. “Conversely, a named emotion is a calmed emotion”indicates the expert.
Here, we must therefore not hesitate to say clearly:
- “I feel worried”;
- “I feel overwhelmed”;
- “I’m insecure.”
Here, the simple act of naming what you feel allows you to “reconnect”, instead of waiting for the other to guess, soothe or repair what is happening internally.
Rewrite thoughts that hurt
Unsurprisingly, our attachment wounds (also) too often make us interpret situations excessively. Silence can be experienced as abandonment, a request as pressure… However, these thoughts do not always reflect reality. The important thing is to learn to recognize them so that you no longer get carried away by them.
For example (for someone with an anxious style) instead of telling yourself “if he or she doesn’t respond, he or she abandons me”,
transform this thought into “If he or she doesn’t respond, maybe he or she is regulating himself. That doesn’t speak to my worth.”
Then, for an avoidant style, instead of telling yourself “If I say what I feel, I lose my freedom”remember that all “emotion creates a bond”.
“These reformulations are not magic. But repeated, they reprogram internal security”confides Christian Richomme.
Communicate your needs clearly instead of blaming
Behind any flow of reproaches there is often an emotional need that has not been expressed. However, the more simply and clearly it is said, the less conflictual the relationship is.
“Reproach attacks the bond. Need humanizes it”underlines Christian Richomme.
For example, you should rather say:
- “I need to be reassured”;
- “I need some space”;
- “I need you to tell me how you feel.”
And if expressing your needs is not easy (it requires vulnerability!), it is often what allows you to escape from power struggles.
Taming proximity (for avoiders)
Here, the expert explains that avoidant profiles often learned very early on to associate proximity and loss of freedom. So, as soon as the bond becomes intense, these people often distance themselves. Fortunately, it is possible to re-learn to stay present.
You can start by staying in a conversation for two more minutes, warning the other person instead of disappearing and sharing one of your emotions.
“Vulnerability, when it is progressive, does not confine: it liberates”specifies the specialist.
Little by little, you will stop experiencing the relationship as a threat.
Taming the distance (for the anxious)
For these people, distance is often experienced as a “risk” for the relationship. An unanswered message, a more distant partner or a moment of silence can quickly awaken the fear of being abandoned. We must therefore re-learn to reassure ourselves other than through others by:
- Occupying the mind with activities that do good;
- Having other sources of fulfillment than relationships (cultivating your circle of friends, traveling, etc.);
- Gradually learning to self-soothe.
“Tolerating distance is discovering that we don’t collapse when the other is breathing elsewhere”recalls the practitioner.
Establish reassuring rituals in the couple
Finally, any lasting relationship is based on small habits that work every day. Often, it is the simplest gestures that create the most security in the relationship. “Couples are not transformed through big declarations, but through small, repeated gestures”comments Christian Richomme.
For example:
- A daily sweet word;
- A time to get together in the evening;
- A weekend ritual;
- A calm way to talk again after an argument.
“These rituals act as an emotional floor: they maintain the bond even when the relationship goes through a moment of distance or tension”analyzes expert Christian Richomme.
In summary, our attachment wounds do not disappear because we meet “the right person.” They return to daily love life, sometimes discreetly, sometimes more violently. But they are not inevitable: the more you understand your reactions and your buried fears, the less you let your wounds drive the relationship. And that’s often when things really change: when love stops being a constant struggle, but becomes a space where everyone can finally feel safe.